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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - April 22, 2002 - 11:22 A.M. (MST)

Remarks by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for coming. I'm so pleased that all you little boys and girls took the time to crawl out here this morning. It's just wonderful to see all your glowing little faces. Why, some of them even glow in the shadows! Now as you know, today is April 22nd, the date when each year, tree-hugging communists take to the streets and march in huge, patchouli-scented parades to try to convince Americans to ride bicycles and sort through their own garbage like a bunch of homeless Dominican dumpster divers.

In make-believe honor of the spirit of this non-holiday, I have come here to highlight the tens of fours of pretend environmental achievements of my administration. Achievements like my "Clear Skies" initiative, which sends the "All's Clear" signal to my friends at Dow Chemical, or my "Pure Drinkings" program, which reclaims polluted cemetery groundwater, runs it through cutting-edge surplus cigarette filters selflessly donated by Phillip Morris in exchange for corporate tax exemption, and benevolently recycles it through public school water fountains to keep underprivileged children properly hydrated.

Of course, I am especially proud to appear here today, at the site of my greatest environmental achievement - the Yucca Mountain Nookyuler Waste Facility, where despite the traitorous protestations of certain former employees of the Environmental Protection Agency, top-secret tests to determine the containability of highly toxic and radioactive substances of all kinds have been underway since the day I took office. Incidentally, I am pleased to say that those tests have been as unqualifiedly successful as our recent Star Wars raybeam missile shooter-downer tests which no objective monitors were allowed to observe. And so this morning, as I look out upon all your strong and healthy young bodies, I see the future not only of Republican environmentalism, but also of Nevada itself. Why? Because this non-inherently-poisonous facility will bring all-important JOBS to this barren, hooker-drilling wasteland of a state - JOBS which will put microbe-free, irradiated food in the mouths of hard-working young people like your parents, and give them the energy to indulge in coitus, thereby breeding a small army of normal, beautiful youngsters just like yourselves. (Applause.)

You know, during the past 32 years, Democrats have been tireless in attempting to reap the political harvest of Earth Day. This year, by discussing my administration's policies which are miraculously capable of both environmental friendliness and increased petrochemical pollution, it is my intention to convince yet another sliver of the glassy-eyed populace that despite what that pussy Al Gore says, it is possible to say one thing, do another, and still come out smelling sweeter than a Three Mile Island cooling tower. And so, as we celebrate Earth Day on this April 22, 2002, I encourage Americans to join me in renewing our commitment to feigning to protect the environment and leaving our children and grandchildren with a legacy of pretend clean water, make-believe clean air, and plenty of arms and legs to do whatever jobs need doing in the wild blue yonder of the oil-powered glory of the 21st century. (Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless.


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