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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - April 19, 2002 - 3:22 P.M. (EST)

PRESIDENT OUTLINES NEXT STEPS IN SIDESTEPPING LEGISLATION BANNING ALASKA OIL EXPLORATION
Remarks by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Thank you. Thank you all very much for coming. As you've no doubt heard by now, Senate Democrats and John McCain have joined forces to soundly humiliate me by blocking passage of legislation which would have allowed my many scrupulous and environmentally sensitive campaign contributors in the petrochemical industry to patriotically extract life-giving oil from the barren and otherwise worthless landscape of the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. And while you can rest assured that my administration will be tireless in suggesting that each of the 54 Senators who opposed this bill are in fact complicit in giving Osama bin Laden himself one hell of a super-juicy group B.J., today it is my intention to remain outwardly positive when discussing my reactions to this deeply embarrassing development.

First and foremost, I want the good people of this great country to know that I understand that pollsters lie (unless they're talking about my approval ratings), and that I realize that 99.9% of you feel it is essential that we waste no time going to Alaska to get every last drop of that four-month supply of sweet, delicious crude oil. Yesterday, I was at a photo opportunity with some wealthy colored folks at Clarence Thomas' country club, and a woman by the name of Shaniqua Debarge approached me and said, "Mr. President, it costs me almost $130 roundtrip to drive my boys to rap lessons in our 2002 345-hp V8 Cadillac Escalade EXT. If oil prices don't come down soon, they'll have to start taking the bus, and then it's inevitable they'll get mixed up in gang warfare, murder some pretty white lady, and end up receiving the death penalty they deserve. SO PLEASE - start drilling in that wildlife refuge! My babies' lives depend on it!" Well I told her right then and there, "Don't you worry one bit, missy. I will not rest until we have persevered over the insidious racism which secretly fuels the Democrats' opposition to developing ANWR into a state of the art facility for the temporary preservation of the American way of life." And then Mrs. Debarge wept hot tears of gratitude, and dropped to her knees to kiss the gleaming tops of my presidential cowboy boots.

And so, going forward, I want all Americans to understand that my crusade to permit oil exploration in the Alaska Wildlife Refuge has just begun. My operatives are already busy, inserting dozens of bafflingly worded provisions in obscure and unrelated bills which, when passed, will quickly and effectively overturn this temporary Democrat-imposed and profoundly un-American setback.

In closing, I want to thank the small but vocal minority of Alaskans who support drilling in ANWR for all their calls to the Fox News Channel. It's high school dropouts like you, who hunger to spend your days operating cranium-rattling and pollution-belching heavy machinery in order to earn the paltry paychecks which will fill your toddler-infested mobile homes with cheap logo-emblazoned consumer goods and fatty processed foods, who make America great. And to you I say, it pleases me immensely that you are incapable of recognizing yourselves as the ideologically malleable human chattel that you are, and that as such, you vehemently disagree with your whiny Injun neighbors, who would rather hang around and swill 40's of malt liquor while banging pots and pans and chanting to their filthy heathen dirt Gods than do a single honest day's work in beautiful, gleaming petroleum refinery. Thank you all - I promise to do my best to make it seem as if I'm doing right by you.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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