THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I want to thank you for inviting my wife and me to Boston, and welcoming us into your incense-saturated place of worship. Laura sends her regrets, as she opted to go to our regular church this morning, inasmuch as she's pretty serious about going to heaven when she dies, and figures that any time spent with you people won't be much help on that front. Of course, normally I wouldn't be here myself, but my aides tell me that this little cult you call a religion is experiencing a bit of a crisis, and that I should take a break from ensuring a steady supply of cheap Arabiac oil and unfettered snowmobiling in our national parks to give you folks some long overdue advice.

As you know, I'm a man who speaks his mind. When I've got something to say, I don't waste taxpayer dollars by pussyfooting around like some liberal pantywaist. And so this morning, I'm going to cut straight to the chase with you people. If you're going to worship Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior, you've got to start doing it right, and stop listening to a bunch of sissies in dresses who can't even get themselves a little slice of poontang. I mean, it's no accident that there aren't any priests or mon-señors on my Presidential Prayer Squad. Hell, we've known for decades that every last one of them would rather be poking pre-teen poopers than preaching penitence. And let's be honest with each other for just a minute here - you folks knew it too. Everyone knows you did - which is why most folks are having one hell of a hard time feeling sorry for your cannibalism-reenacting asses.

And so this morning, I'm putting the Catholics of America on notice. Every papist, in every state, now has a decision to make. Either you're with us, or you're with the child molesters. From this day forward, any church that continues to harbor or support priests will be regarded by the United States as hostile Christianity. And I strongly suggest you be against the molesters, for the sake of the children. You see, children are the future of America, especially if they're white, and it is our duty to protect them - all the way from conception up until the moment they exit their mother's birth canal, at which point they're responsible for receiving their own health care, except for random drug tests of course, which are wholly necessary for establishing eligibility to participate in public school activities such as "Christ Club," which I'm happy to report will soon be greenlighted by Justice Rehnquist's Supreme Court. So again, I urge you to renounce men in dresses who purport to speak the words of Jesus, lest you happen to be eager to spend an afternoon on the receiving end of an FBI body cavity search.

In closing, I want to offer requisite, albeit empty thanks to Cardinal Law for having me here. While I'm obliged to denounce both his bizarre lifestyle and professional indiscretions, I nevertheless tip my hat to him for his determination to remain in office despite overwhelming evidence of incompetence and severe misconduct. Furthermore, I understand that he is the Boston spokesperson for his disease - an arch disease. As an avid jogger myself, I know how important healthy arches are, and offer my semi-sincere condolences to his dress-wearing holiness on that front.

Thank you all for your rapt attention, and God Bless.

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