CONGRESSMAN DELAY: Last fall, I stood before you and introduced House Bill 493. As you know, that bill is currently in committee. When it reaches the floor and is passed and sent to our brothers in the other chamber (as I am confident it will), it will be a federal crime to roll ones eyes at the mention of our beloved President. A President appointed and anointed by the Lord Jesus to govern and who should not be fettered by treasonous liars who publicly quibble with his judgment or privately call him slanderous things, such as "coke-whore" and "yellow-bellied draft dodger," that are clearly the proprietary property of Republicans to use exclusively in characterizing Democrats. (Boos.)

Mr. Speaker, I'd like to move that the damned Democrats in this chamber shut the Hell up.

Mr. Speaker: Does anyone second that?

Congressman Barr: Aye.

Mr. Speaker: It is so resolved the Democrats will shut the hell up until further notice.

Congressman Delay: Thank you. Today, I stand before all of you with an even more important piece of legislation. Penned in cooperation with President Bush's autonomous United States Department of Faith - House Bill 665, The Salvation Security Act.

Mr. Speaker: I believe Congressman Condit already introduced House Bill 665.

Congressman Delay: What was that?

Mr. Speaker: I believe it was to shorten the statute of limitations for murders committed in the District of Columbia to 24-hours or until the blood dries, whichever comes first.

Congressman Delay: Ah, yes. So it was. Well, then just add a number to this bill then.

Mr. Speaker: Let the record so reflect.

Congressman Delay: Friends, we are in a war against evil. And our Commander-in-Chief has wisely decided that it was a mistake to designate as the principal Evil Doer in this war someone we apparently couldn't find even if he showed up on the Home Shopping Network hawking jewelry and skin cream. So we have shrewdly stopped talking about that Osama fellow and have instead picked someone no one likes anyway – that Saddam guy.

Well, that is all well and good. It makes sense to pick a foreign evildoer we can locate. But what about the evildoers here at home? I'm not just talking about towel-heads taking flying lessons or telemarketers. I'm talking about folks who reject the Lord Jesus. If we can't trust someone to go along with everyone else when it comes to picking a Savior, how can we expect them to stick with the crowd when the bombs start falling?

The Salvation Security Act will ensure that in our current fight with godless, non-Christians – and anyone else we can actually find – our nation will stand strong and as one under the dominion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In the past we have turned a blind eye to the Christ-killing Jews and even godless communist pansy atheists, but those days are over, my friends. In the face of ruthless attacks by rabid non-Christian religious zealots, the only sensible response is to become even more rabid in our Christian zealotry. It is with in mind, I introduce the Salvation Security Act, which will – once and for all – cleanse our Godly country of unsaved trash.

Anyone who reads the Old Testament knows that the Almighty plays favorites. If you flatter Him, He will kill folks for you. But if you deny His holy divinity, He will hack you open like a overly ripe cantaloupe and throw you to the ground, spitting out your children like so many seeds. You doubt me? Read Hosea 13. The Lord has little children smashed to the ground and pregnant women sliced open simply because their men folk didn't join the right church. Can we take the risk of incurring that kind of bloodthirsty wrath? I say no! No missile defense shield will protect us from the Lord's craving for blood. We must make sure that when the Almighty peeks out from behind a cloud and looks down on America, He only sees folks who say nice things about Him. That way, He will be in a good mood and kill folks for us. It is with this in mind that The Salvation Security Act will make sure that no one who doesn't bend his or her knee before the White Throne of the Lord Jesus will remain alive in these 50 states after given a reasonable time to get their butts to some country that don't mind folks who spit on their values.

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