THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As a few of you may have heard, the situation between the Israeloids and Palestiniacs continues to deteriorate, despite my administration's best efforts to appear effectual. Of course, until recently, our Middle East policy was built upon the assumption that the only Americans who give a damn about this conflict were the Jews - and inasmuch as they all voted for Al Gore (or at least meant to), Karl Rove felt it best if we didn't get too mixed up their little blood feud. But today, not only are an increasing number of non-Jewish Americans telling pollsters that this war might impact how they vote in the mid-term elections, but some prominent petrochemical tycoons are starting to suspect that the situation might escalate to a point where the entire region is destabilized, and our nation's powerful thirst for cheap, plentiful arabiac oil might not be quenched - or worse - we'll have to pay realistic prices for the stuff, and start driving around in 2-cylinder Korean rice burners. (Boos.)

And so over the past several days, I've presided over no fewer than two brainstorming videoconferences from my treadmill, and I am happy to report that we have at last realized an effective plan for extricating these peoples from the quagmire of hatred and violence into which William Jefferson Clinton cast them all during his perverted and self-serving attempts to realize so-called "peace."

"What does the plan call for," you ask? Well, I figure it this way: You've got two groups of people, each believing in a different false god, and fighting to the death over the same barren armpit of a useless plot of land that doesn't even have any oil under it. Both sides are so worked up, they can't even admit it when one of their own kind screws up. And that got me to thinking - it's all kind of like how the coloreds here in America got after OJ Simpson went and gouged out the jugular of that blonde girlie with the fake hooters. We knew he did it, he knew he did it, but the rest of the coloreds wouldn't say he did it! I asked Condi and Colin why that was, and they both said "Cracker!" - which I think is colored slang for "ours is an unpredictable and irrational race." Anyway, this is all to say, it's high time people over there in the Middle East stopped focusing on their negative differences and decided to start having fun - together.

As we all know, there's nothing on the entire face of the planet that brings people of all faiths and ethnicities together in a setting of peace, happiness, and fun quite like the glorious theme parks conceived of by the great Methodist visionary Mr. Walt Disney. And so today, having met at length with the board of directors of the Walt Disney Corporation (and threatened to tax the liberal bastards blind!), I am pleased to announce plans for the prompt construction of Disney World Jerusalem, into whose welcoming arms all Israeloids and Palestiniacs will be herded by well-armed Texas Rangers, who have plenty of experience convincing brown people to behave. Once inside, all formerly warring parties will be paid handsomely to put aside their differences and revel in the warm light of American high culture while acquiring all manner of quality merchandize produced by nimble-fingered armies of pre-teen Chinese laborers. (Thunderous Applause.)

In closing, I just want to say that I have the utmost faith that my boldly original and highly unorthodox plan will miraculously bring a speedy and complete end to millennia of mutual loathing, mistrust and killing in the Middle East - and that when it's all said and done, history will judge me as not only the best hung President ever, but also the mostest visionarian.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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