THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for coming. Please be seated. I appreciate your reverent clapping. But now, it's time to stop that, sit down, and listen to me read these prepared remarks aloud.

I'm honored to be traveling today with the hugely fabulous Secretary Smith, Clandestine Operational Affairs Department. I'm equally honored to be accompanied by two utterly fabulous Republican US Senators from the good state of Alabama: Senator Jeff Sessions and Senator Richard Shelby. (Applause.) Thank you for your presence. The fabulous Ambassador from Canada -- it's a pleasure to see you here as well. Remind me get one of those funny frenchie dollars with the limey queen on it that you folks all carry around. (Laughter.)

I'm honored to be here today to dedicate this top-secret shadow White House as the command center for Operation Enduring GOP Reign. It's a fine house. Not only does it sit atop a noble hill far from the infinitely nukeable intellectual cesspool that is Washington DC, it's got a fine cellar, with an oversized walk-in sauna outfitted with a large conference table, so all those blue ribbon conservative fellas in my shadow government can go in there and discuss international policy and war strategy wearing nothing but little towels around their waists - or hell, even less if they want. Personally, I find it much easier to order the wholesale extermination of entire godless nations of camel jockeys and dog-eaters when my pores are pourin' and my sack's a swingin'. (Murmurs of assent.)

Going forward, I'm pleased to announce that the Shadow White House will also be available for special interest lobbyist parties as part of an innovative G.O.P. outreach program. Reservations will be taken on a first come, first serve basis. So if your idea of a good time involves rubbing elbows with scores of hard-line right-wing survivalist bureaucrats as they busily shuffle around a subterranean labyrinth carved miles into Alabama bedrock, preparing to take over the world once an inevitable catastrophic disaster finally wipes out all those candy-assed liberals, then THIS is the place for your next Super Bowl party, Debutante Ball, or Caucasian Heritage Society barbecue. Just remember to knock three times at the gate and whisper the secret password - "In Jesus Christ Son of God We Trust" - lest you activate the robotic machine gun turrets, which protect this hallowed bunker from bum-rushing Democrats intent on squeezing in while the world THEY MADE goes down in SATANIC FLAMES. So write that password down and remember: KNOCK THREE TIMES.

Now, while we can't publicly disclose the exact location of this new White House, America's homemakers will be pleased to learn that even though this residence is not intended for use by Mrs. Bush and myself, that Laura has nevertheless taken it upon herself to ensure that this house is up to her impeccable standards of cleanliness. And that's why her arrival preceded my own by several days, during which time she delegated nearly 1000 hours of back-breaking cabinet Cloroxing and shower drain depubichairification to her personal staff of elderly Mexican houseladies, whom were specially bused in on Greyhound all the way from Crawford Texas. They all did a bang-up job, especially considering their deteriorated eyesight, and the fact that we don't offer a vision plan. Let's give them a hand. (Applause.)

Standing here before this impressive new seat of hand-picked, only vaguely Constitutional government, I am pleased to say that we have created yet another testament to the greatness of the American spirit. There were those who said it couldn't be done. There were those who said it was borderline autocratic insanity. I'm happy to say that those people are now adjusting comfortably to life in Camp X-Ray. (Applause.)

God bless America. And God bless the Shadow White House.

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