SENATOR LOTT BRAVELY THWARTS ENVIRONMENTALIST PLOT TO MURDER AMERICA'S CHILDREN
Remarks by the Senate Minority Leader
SENATOR LOTT: Good afternoon. As you know, yesterday my colleagues in the Senate and I defeated an environmentalist
plot to murder children through increased fuel-efficiency standards for America's V8-powered soccer troop transport
It seems there's a small but determined group of eco-nefarious zealots whose remorseless desire to cost America
millions in unnecessary independence from Arab oil is surpassed only by their bloodlust for America's
children. But I'm not here to cast aspersions. I'm here to celebrate bi-partisan cooperation, however forced. The Senate's
vote against raising fuel efficiency standards is a turnkey first step in ensuring that no American will ever suffer the
humiliation of driving dainty European bubble cars or rice-burning Oriental tuna cans on wheels.
Now, it's my understanding that Senator Daschle was critical of the vote. That's right - my esteemed colleague from
South Dakota wholeheartedly supports Senator Kerry's edict to not only pussify our pickups and sissify our SUV's, but
to seize and destroy the vehicles we already own - replacing them with hastily produced and gratuitously efficient
automobiles fashioned from PVC pipe and soy paste. Traitorous and unAmerican as they are, I don't begrudge Senator
Deathtrap his protestations. After all, those enviro-mentals are a hostile lot, and everybody in Washington knows
they're blackmailing poor Tom with photos of him smoking Ted Kennedy's pole in the Senate washroom. Unfortunately, this
matter jeopardizes the right of every American to seat 15 comfortably, with enough cargo capacity to accommodate a
42-person raft or rotisserie bison grill. And so our bill ensures that no American motorist will ever be
denied the 600-700 horsepower God intended him, while remaining ambiguous enough to stave off future offensives by
Godless tree-hugging nihilists bent on replacing factories with hemp farms and roadkill with the remains of our young.
In closing, I want to say that this legislation could not have been defeated without the tireless efforts of
49 one-hundredths of the Senate, whose concern for hardworking petroleum lobbyists and their innocent offspring understandably
outweighs those of the winged sea ox, the yellowbellied marsh ferret, or some dank, uninhabitable swamp tract.