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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 13, 2002 - 9:05 P.M. (EST)

Press Briefing by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. This week sees the good people of the non-pollution-belching state of Ohio convening their Board of Education in an effort to ensure that future generations of mid-western children are educated in schools offering a fair & balanced approach to explaining how the Christian version of God invented white people in His image.

As you know, the latter half of the 20th century saw the fields of education and so-called "science" come to be hopelessly corrupted by a certain liberal fairy tale known as "evolution." This concept, which was so famously hatched in the midst of a fatal LSD overdose by the syphilitic homosexual Democrat and self-described earth-worshipping pagan Charles Darwin, has, with the passage of time, been embraced as gospel by the liberal, Christ-killing intellectual establishment that rules over our nation's institutions of higher learning like a jack-booted ideological Gestapo.

"Evolution" maintains that both yours and my grandparents are in fact rhesus monkeys - the very same vermin-infested walking carpets whose dissected eyes are so essential to corporate America's ongoing and valiant quest for the perfect kiwi-raspberry-scented shampoo. "Evolution" further asserts that upon death, each of us reverts back to a jungle-dwelling state in the afterworld, where we swing naked from trees, feast on rotten bananas, and shamelessly play with our private parts right out in the open - not unlike Jenna's UT roommate on her pay-per-view webcam.

Little more than a deranged fantasy, "evolution" is perverted liberalism gone wild - distorting the reality of our shared history as God's creatures. Were an evolutionist to remake "Back to the Future," little Alex P. Keaton would still emerge from his DeLorean (which, incidentally, was designed and built by my old nose candy buddy Johnny D.) and meet up with his grandmother - but instead of having an incestuous tryst, the two of them would just sit around grunting, pounding their monkey chests and heaving fistfuls of feces in each other's mouths! You call that science? My closet communist colleague Tom Daschle may think so, but I sure don't! And I think I'm on solid ground when I say that most Americans are with me on this one.

And so this morning, I want to take this opportunity to formally denounce the Democratic fairy tale of evolution, and to praise the vocal minority within the Republican-voting state of Ohio for its tireless efforts to introduce the theory of "Intelligent Design" - which, of course, isn't really a theory at all, inasmuch as it has been proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that God himself created our frail and cancer-prone bodies as perfect reflections of His own glory. Going forward, let us all look to Ohio as shining example of the just and sorely needed erosion of the separation of church and state within the public school system that this Christian nation so sorely needs.

Thank you. No questions, please.


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