THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good morning. With President Bush still touring Asia, it falls to me to throw a bone to those of you in the White House press corps whose parent media conglomerates don't think your reporting is patriotic enough to merit the cost of an economy plane ticket to Communist China. Now as you know, I took advantage of the President's absence on Tuesday evening to score a little long-overdue camera time of my own - following the First Lady's lead and appearing on NBC's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Well this morning, almost 36 hours later, I want to tell you that my usually petrified sphincter is still vibrating with political pleasure - which is why I'd like to take this opportunity to tell Mr. Jay Leno - yours is a sublimely glorious brand of anilingus.

You know, when my advisor Mary Matalin first suggested that I appear on this show, I had my doubts. After all, she is married to that Democratic mole rat James Carville - and last I knew, Jay Leno was just another so-called "funnyman" in the liberal, Jewish, homo-controlled entertainment industry. Sure, he spent three solid years utterly fixated on Bill Clinton's cock, but how could I be sure he wouldn't come after me for all my blatant conflicts of interest and fabled sleepover parties at Ken Lay's Key West timeshare? Well I never should have doubted Mary for one minute. Like any multi-millionaire owner of hundreds of exotic and antique luxury cars, Jay was a perfect Republican gentleman. We spent a delightful 10 minutes chatting, during which he tossed softball question after softball question, each one more perfectly tailored than the last to facilitate my delivery of Karen Hughes' enchantingly poetic propaganda. And with each passing moment, Jay's thick dago tongue darted back and forth past his hideously deformed chin, faster and faster, plunging so deep into my pert and waiting anus, that my Pacemaker-Plus^TM kicked in at least twice to stabilize my ecstatic and suddenly frenzied heart.

And so today, let it be known across this great nation of ours, that I, your Vice President and shadow emperor, do hereby declare that not only is Jay Leno an exemplary American, he is also profoundly amusing and entertaining, and you should watch his show and purchase the many non-useless consumer goods advertised by its corporate sponsors. So help you God.

In closing, I think it bears mentioning that if more people in the news media showed the President and I the same kind of respect and integrity that Mr. Jay Leno does, that they would find themselves with sudden access to just the kind of interviews that Pulitzer Prizes are made of. And you know what? I have a feeling that some of you so-called journalists just might have it in you. And that's why I have asked Mr. Fleischer to equip the Vermeil Room Presidential La-Z-Boy with proctological stirrups, and to schedule audiences with each and every one of you for the remainder of the week. (Applause.)

Until then... thank you.

	» E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN «
Printing Help