THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Today I address the people of America all the way from Asia, where I have come to talk with some of the world's most important Orientals - who are so famous because of the excellent carpeting they make. Yesterday, I visited Japan, where I shared my expertise on world finance. Today, I will travel to South Korea, producer of the laughably girlish Hyundai automobiles, where I will negotiate strict new licensing agreements for M*A*S*H collectibles. And tomorrow, I will move on to China, where I will be proud to formally introduce Mrs. Andrea Yates as America's Family Planning Ambassador to that vast land of horny communist karaoke singers.

Now everyone knows that China has too many people. You take half the world's population, jam it into an armpit country no bigger than my own home state of Texas, and of course you end up with two or three billion people with nothing better to eat than rusty old cans of LaChoy Chicken Chow Mein. I mean, these are people who start copulating with anything with a hole and heartbeat by the time they're seven years old! Now, the Chinaman government has made many attempts to address overpopulation within its borders. Unfortunatlely, since they are an evil regime of cowardly atheist communist mongoloids, the best they could come up with was state-sponsored abortions and handing out about a trillion free cock socks. Hello? Earth to Deng Xiaoping! Any good rancher will tell you, if you've got too many calves in the barn, you don't try talking to the bulls and the heifers - you make veal! And that's why I'm so happy to dispatch Mrs. Andrea Yates (American True Patriot #61933-JESUS-109) to Beijing, where her unique family planning experience and talents will doubtless be of tremendous value to the Chinaman government.

Now before some liberal screaming mimi in the press corps beats me to it, I want to point out that until today, the millions of dollars in soft money contributions I accept from right-wing Christian groups has required that I be against family planning. Some will see a contradiction here. To them I say, I will continue to assert there is no contradiction until such time as enough Friends-watching vegetards out there actually believe me.

Not unlike myself, Ambassador Yates is a courageous Texan who marches to her own drum. When the feminists tried to tell her she was equal to a man, Andrea said "I will not go down on your lesbian propaganda!" When the psychoiatrists tried to tell her she was sick in the head, Andrea said "I will not fall victim to the liberal myth of mental illness!" And when her gluttonous children ate so much it looked like they might have to accept public assistance, Andrea said "Sooner would I swamp my own progeny than to suckle parasitically at the Democrat-established Federal Cash Tit!" In short, Andrea is a great believer in life, liberty, and the American way. And for that we salute her. (Applause.)

This morning, a newly-pardoned Andrea is on her way to Beijing, where she will begin immediate consultation with the Chinamen government on creating all-new and effective strategies for dealing with an obscene excess of non-Christian, non-Caucasian life. I'm sure she'll do swimmingly.

Thank you - and God Bless.

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