THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Once again, Valentines Day is upon us. And so our thoughts turn to the uniquely American concept of love, and the importance it holds in our daily lives. They say that love is a many splendored thing, and they are right, providing it is practiced exclusively in the missionary position. And I should know. After all, Mrs. Bush and I are Methodists, and as such are steadfast in our belief that the biological coupling of two persons should be accomplished in a manner that dare not thumb its nose at gravity - let alone cause one's Caldor sheets and comforters to become wrinkled and damp with perspiration.

Of course, there are those among us of the liberal communist (and likely homo) flavor who would argue that since love is an inherently private thing, that we should expect its manifestations to be as varied as the fish in the sea - each unique and special and wonderful in its own way. To this I respond that I am reminded of Henry Ford, whom when told that consumers desired to purchase his coal-hued Model-T in alternate colors, responded that anyone was free to buy his cars in any color they wanted, so long as it was black. And so it is also with love. As President, I would urge all Americans to pursue life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - so long as happiness is the indominatably righteous missionary position, and NOT such lascivious executions as woman-on-top, doggy-style, hummers, rug-munching, poop chute polka, or the preggers jiggle.

But I want to stress to the good people of this country that the missionary position is more than just a reaffirmation of one's Republicanism, it is also a commitment to a lifestyle - a lifestyle of decency through justly repressed erotic contortionism. You know, back in 1999, shortly after I was selected by the Republican National Committee to run for the office of President, I found myself delivering prepared remarks I didn't really understand to a church congregation somewhere outside Branson, Missouri. When I was done, a dear little old lady in a Loretta Lynne t-shirt - her name was Regina Horvath - approached the pulpit and asked me, "Governor Bush, you would never defile the Oval Office by poking the mouth of a young Jewess heifer, would you?" I told her right there and then, "No ma'am. The Oval Office has nothing to fear from me. I did all my Jewess pie hole banging back when I was at Yale. These days, I'm a devout practitioner of the gentile-mounting missionary position, and I'd really like it if I could count on your vote next November." And you know what? I got it. (Applause.)

Now I want to take a moment to speak directly to America's adolescents, whose firm little bodies are screaming out to shed their repressive garments and assume the missionary position themselves. To all of them I say, stay under control. The searingly blissful climax of coitus can and must wait until you have reached the arbitrary age of eighteen. Never mind that your fully mature genitals are swollen to the bursting point with more hormones than they will ever again produce, or that millions of years of the myth of "evolution" are whispering fevered pornographic instructions directly into your sponge-like and impressionable young minds. And never mind that you are bombarded day in and day out with intensely provacative sexual imagery produced by the wildly aggressive marketing departments of the corporations that financed my campaigns. Yes, never mind all these things. For by merely talking about God and abstinence, and closing your ears to all mention of such heresy as birth control or family planning, you too can hold out until such time as it is legal for you to assume the missionary position like Mrs. Bush and myself, and begin producing the many children you had better be able to afford to feed and clothe all on your own - without any government assistance.

Finally, to all Americans who will gather with loved ones to celebrate Valentines Day over the next 48 hours, I would urge each of you to take a moment or two to say a prayer for the good people of Hallmark Greetings and its many profitable subsidiaries, who are not only the inventors of this holiday, but also of love itself - and with it, the missionary position.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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