THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. For the past two days, the people of the world have sat transfixed by their televisions, watching events unfold at the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in Salt Lake City. Having just come from Utah myself, let me begin by assuring you that these nationalistic-frenzy-inducing competitions are safe. Our armed forces on the scene are on high alert, and are ready and eager to score messy, Kennedy-esque head shots on any and all sand darkies who so much as glance in the direction of Mecca.

Now on to business. While there, I had the opportunity to speak with numerous athletes on America's very own Olympic Team. Many of these young people have shown incredible determination and resilience in their continued ability to thwart the very latest advances in urinalysis, and for that I salute them. Hell, I'm bringing some of them on as personal consultants. (Applause.) Unfortunately, despite all the hoopla and riggamajigga those wife-swapping Mormon loonies are trying to stir up about this Olympics, the fact remains that these games feature athletes who aren't even good enough to score a gig with the Ice Capades. And that's not just an embarrassment for the many children who don't know any better than to pick losers for heroes, it's an embarrassment for our whole nation - and dare I say the world.

That's why today, I stand before you to announce an ambitious plan for the rapid and wholesale enhancement of the Olympic Games. Called Operation Free Market Perspiration, it calls for unimaginably labyrinthine privatization and deregulation similar to that which has been so effective in the Texas energy trading markets. Within twelve short months, the Olympics can and will be rapidly transformed from a ragtag biannual hootenanny for bargain basement athletes and borderline cripples and retards, and be reborned - like one of those asbestos birds from the ashes - as a year-round traveling quasi-circus of extreme sports - performed by mature professionals who are truly worthy of your slavish adulation, pay-per-view dollars, and lucrative corporate endorsement contracts. (Applause.)

And so, let it be known and spoken throughout the land: the inevitable future of international sporting can no longer be denied. Going forward, the Olympics will march proudly and steadily to the profit-drenched corporate drumbeats I composed during my tenure with the Texas Rangers baseball franchise, and it will fulfill its destiny to further engorge the coffers of my family's white billionaire friends. (Applause.)

Finally, I'd like to make a reference to the events of September 11th, lest anyone forget about them for even a moment, and my approval ratings adjust accordingly. I know that many of you worship me like a God, and I have taken to uttering this knowledge aloud every morning when I stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, flexing my veal-fed pectoral muscles. For that I thank you - because it's just that kind of blind, glassy-eyed support that will enable us to be victorious in our efforts to complete the Olympics' evolution from an offensively idealistic celebration of peace and cooperation into something as cheap and odious as my mother's countless strands of gigantic wax pearls. (Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless.

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