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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - February 8, 2002 - 06:55 A.M. EST

GOVERNOR RIDGE: "PATRIOTIC TATTOOING HAS COMMENCED. ALL CITIZENS ARE TO REPORT TO THE NEAREST BANKRUPT K-MART OUTLET"
Address by the Office of Homeland Security Director

GOVERNOR RIDGE: Good morning. Thank you for coming. I know it's early. Today, after nearly five months of having accomplished absolutely nothing discernable, I am honored to announce the formal launch of the Office of Homeland Security's first major initiative, Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo (OMPT). Just after dawn this morning, Vermont resident Mr. Cletus Dickey had the honor of being the very first American to prove his loyalty to his country by submitting to a brief and only mildly excruciating procedure, during which he was outfitted with the Subcutaneous Patriotic Intelligence Tattoo System (SPITS). I am told he is recuperating comfortably.

Mr. Dickey serves as a shining example for every last American man, woman and child - all of whom will be required to follow in his noble and courageous footsteps in the coming months. Today, Army-trained body modification technicians have fanned out across this great nation of ours, where they have wasted no time in establishing state-of-the-art, high-volume tattooing facilities in the empty shells of America's now-bankrupt K-Mart stores.

I know that many Americans are wondering, "But Tom, how will I know when it is my time to affirm my Patriotism?" Well, my team and I thought long and hard about that, and we came up with one hell of a good solution. And that's why today I am also pleased to announce that by the authority of Presidential Executive Order #13251-B, all local liberal media outlets across America have been ordered to assist with the coordination of tattooing the populace. That means you can find out the date and time of YOUR compulsory SPITS outfitting session by contacting your local FOX NEWS affiliate. They'll be more than happy to tell you when you're scheduled to report for emblazonment with the only proof of patriotism that is recognized by the United States government.

Finally, I am pleased to report that thus far, decent Americans have responded to news of Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo with the utmost enthusiasm. And while there has been a small but vocal group of dissenters, most of those persons are at this very moment waking to find themselves staring down the barrels of standard issue Federal SWAT team assault rifles.

I want to thank President Bush, Attorney General Ashcroft, the late Albert Speer, and all my colleagues in the Office of Homeland Security for all their grit, determination, and deafness to criticism in getting this operation off the ground. There's still much work to be done, but we're up to the task. Thank you, and God Bless America.


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