THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for having me. Now normally my fancy-pants sodomite speech writers come up with what I'm supposed to say, and then stand around squirtin' in their BVDs every time I mess up one of their precious goddamned flowery Ivy League words. Well today I told every last one of them to leave me the hell alone - that I'm more popular than Jesus Christ right now - and that if I want to wing this one solo, then I sure as hell will! (Applause.) Thank you.

I'm gonna get straight to it here folks. . . you all know what happened on September 11th, and you all know I ain't dicking with you when I say I'm putting a fix on it. Put plainly, we've got ourselves a shitload of goddamned airborne camel jockeys flying supersonic jets into American buildings, and we ain't sure it's gonna stop anytime soon. Only thing certain is, I ain't gonna stop sending our boys overseas until the rivers in every last country that's spelled funny flow red and chunky with the blood and pureed organs of the Evil Ones.

Now I know some of you sure would like to lend a hand in this war. Well you can. It don't take much. Hell, you boys are out there patrolling our highways for your lifelihood anyway. And I'll tell you, when you're out there on the open road, hauling your load, and you're trying to raise a northbound Jimmy on the CB radio and you can't make out just what Godless towelhead tongue he's babbling in, you've got a damned good reason to be suspicious. Now, I'm not suggesting you put down your Bibles, pick up your guns, pull up alongside and unleash thirty or forty rounds of righteous lead on them. But you know what? It ain't a bad idea to drop four or five more NoDoz and keep that rifle locked, loaded, and handy - as I suspect and pray that most of you do already.

The bastards we're up against are evil. That's a damned fact. Pardon my English, folks, but under these circumstantials, I think good Jesus understands. These bastards are a Bible-type evil, if you know what I'm saying. And Bible-type evil calls for Bible-type response. I'd be a fool to stand up here in front of a thousand Christian truck drivers and chit chat about evil without talking about Satan. And that's exactly who we're up against, boys! Every single time I say the word "evil," I'm talking about Satan himself. The secular media might not know that, but you know it, and you're the only kind of people that really matter: white, male, elementary school-educated, and hopped full of easily focused righteous indignation!

Friends, that old Devil has got his arms and legs pokin' and kickin' all over the world and we don't have the time to wait around for God's promise to send fire down from heaven and just burn everything up. What we can do is give these so-called "humans" a toll-free express ticket to Hell. Understand, as Christian Americans, we're God's hand on earth, and we're called to battle Satan using God's methods. That's the only type of response that evil understands. And while God hasn't given us a direct commandment to fight evil by slaughtering our enemies' women and children like He has so many times in the past, you can bet your Peterbilt's fuel injection system that he will - and soon! So you'd better all be reading up on evil in your Bibles. After all, we wouldn't even be using the word "evil" if it weren't for God telling us in the Bible that that's what it was. Heck, most people in the world wouldn't have even known there was a Hell if good Christians like us didn't take the time to tell them.

I'm sorry I don't have time to talk at all of you some more. I do lots of reading myself, you see. I read two books in one whole year, and I've got a new chapter to get five pages into. So before I go, I'd just like to say... You boys just get back out there on the road, do your job, and be alert and vigilante. Listen for the voice of Jesus, and you'll hear Him say, "you've got an angel ridin' shotgun, and he's drivin' with you all the way."

God Bless ya'll!

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