MR. JOHN ASHCROFT: Good morning. Yesterday, the liberal communist web site ABCNEWS.COM, which is owned by a vast and powerful cult of Jewish homosexuals, reported that I had recently ordered $8000 spent on heavy draperies to obscure several pornographic statues currently on display in the Justice Department's Great Hall. This much is correct. What was not reported was that this entirely necessary action is in fact only the first of countless such acts of decency which will be undertaken as part of a far-reaching new initiative originally conceived and promoted by my good friends at The Heritage Foundation: "Operation Mummified Sculptural Genitalia."

As you know, I have always aspired to the example of 14th century Vatican censors in all that I do. Whether it's registering patriots or losing elections to a dead man, I bring with me an almost feverish aversion to even the very thought of genitals - whether they be those of others or my own. It is for this reason that I have found myself increasingly distressed by the rampant proliferation of so-called public "art" with no shame - "art" which aggressively thrusts its impossibly large genitals directly into the eyes of our children, penetrating their little eye sockets deeper and deeper with every shameful glance! And so I say to you today, with God as both my witness and co-pilot, America must cease to be a lurid statuary of deviant sex!

That is why it is with great pleasure that I am announcing the formal launch of Operation Mummified Sculptural Genitalia. Beginning today, over four hundred (400) federal agents will begin fanning out across America, where they will storm the perverted ramparts of any and all public buildings, parks, and museums which harbor objectionable "art." While most offending works will be shrouded in draperies or clad in over-sized Brooks Brothers suits, some (most notably the Statue of Liberty) will undergo extensive artistic revisions, while yet others will find their repulsive intercourse muscles wrapped snugly and permanently in cocoons of industrial strength duct tape. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to be obsessed enough with the idea that inanimate representations of anatomy can cause trouser-shredding arousal in otherwise decent, God-fearing Attorneys General. And that somebody is me.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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