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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - January 29, 2002 - 9:15 P.M. EST

The United States Capitol
Washington, D.C.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, fellow Republicans, distinguished campaign contributors, fellow white males: As we gather tonight, our nation is at war against an insidious foreign force funded in no small part by my father, our economy is in recession exacerbated by the economic policies imposed upon us by my campaign's financial backers, and the civilized world decries my administration's policies on the death penalty, petrochemical whoredom, global warming, and grotesquely shameless jingoism. Yet today, the state of my popularity rating has never been stronger. (Applause.)

We last met in an hour of shock and suffering. In four short months since then, the good people of the armed services have risked their lives seeking justice in an effort that even my most fervent lunatic detractors on the internet support intensely. At the same time, my handlers have relished the opportunity to capitalize upon the unearned increase in my public approval to intimidate my political foes in the Democratic party into hungrily fellating my veiney and engorged domestic policies - 90% of which gleefully violate the financial well-being of the vast majority of non-affluent, non-caucasian Americans. (Applause.)

The last time we met in this chamber, the mothers and daughters of Afghanistan were captives in their own homes, forbidden from working or going to school. Today women there are free in every way imaginable, unless of course they wish to show their faces in public, or to visit America to abort children conceived in cases of rape or incest, in which case I must insist that they bear the shame they brought upon themselves in eternal silence. (Applause.)

For many Americans, these four months have brought sorrow, and pain that will never completely go away. Their stories are indescribably heart-wrenching, and I have dispatched my interns to collect the intimate details of their losses - for me to regurgitate to you tonight for political gain like so much emotional pornography - in the hopes that America will continue to blind itself to my all-too-evident incompetence. (Applause.)

What our troops have found in Afghanistan confirms that, far from ending there, our war against terror is only beginning. Most of the 19 men who hijacked planes on September the 11th were trained in camps built by funded by our own CIA, and so were tens of thousands of others. Thousands of dangerous killers, schooled in the methods of murder, often supported by oil money, are now spread throughout the world like ticking time bombs, set to go off without warning.

And so our nation will continue to be steadfast and patient and persistent in the pursuit of two great objectives. First, we will avoid all mention of Enron, which remains the singlemost greatest threat to my illegitimate presidency. And, second, we will continue to publicly discuss terrorism in order to distract the easily-misled populace from that other thing that I mentioned first. (Applause.)

The next priority of my budget is to do everything possible to protect our citizens and strengthen our nation against the ongoing threat of another attack – be it from terrorists or from crooked accountants looking to jeopardize the vacation homes of innocent corporate executives. America is no longer protected by vast mythical "oceans" and secret CIA-funded wars. We are protected from attack only by kicking non-oil-producing camel jockey tail abroad, and by establishing a domestic secret police force, Homeland Security, which is immune to the restrictions of the so-called "Constitution."

Homeland Security will make America not only stronger, but, in many ways, better and more moral. Through such sound and well-conceived initiatives as Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo and the Foreign Car Buyer Database, it will ensure that regular folks are protected not only from themselves, but also from free-thinking domestic evildoers, like the ACLU. (Applause.)

And as government works to better secure our homeland, America will continue to depend on the eyes and ears of alert regular people to rat out "citizens" who might or might not be traitors, and to affirm their own aversion to treason by willfully registering themselves with the Federal government. (Applause.)

Once we have funded our national security and our homeland security, the final great priority of my budget is economic security for not only the inconceivably wealthy, but also for the little guy - Mr. Joe Upper Middle Class. (Applause.)

To achieve these great national objectives - to win the war, protect the homeland, and revitalize our economy - our budget will run a deficit that will be small and short-term, so long as Congress restrains spending on everything BUT the military and acts in a fiscally responsible manner, unlike deregulated energy companies who overwhelmingly donate 75% of their political contributions to the GOP. (Applause.)

Americans who have lost their jobs because of amoral pyramid schemes need help from the same people who screwed them over in the first place. I support the idea of perhaps considering extending unemployment benefits, direct assistance for health care coverage and free crack cocaine for the welfare mothers this policy will doubtless create. (Applause.) Yet, American workers want more than unemployment checks - they want immediate drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. (Applause.)

When America works, America prospers, so my economic security plan can be summed up in one word: jobs. We need lots of low-wage jobs that will exploit as many chocolate flavored quasi-Americans as humanly possible. (Applause.)

Good jobs begin with good schools, and here we've made a fine start. Republicans and the other party worked together to achieve historic education reform so that few children are left behind and no children from low tax-brackets get ahead. On this front, I was so proud of our work, I even had nice things to say about my friend, the Democrat sellout and liberal, fatso, hooker-killer Ted Kennedy. (Laughter and Applause.)

I know the folks at the Crawford coffee shop couldn't believe I'd say such a thing – hell, they can’t believe I hired a black broad as my National Security Adviser (laughter) -- but our work on this bill shows what is possible if we set aside posturing, choose special interests over voters, and focus on keeping nice rich kids from having to rub elbows with the Godless and poor. (Applause.)

There is more to do. We need to prepare our children to read and succeed in school. My wife, the First Lady, has offered her profound thinking on this issue to the Congress, and for that we should all be thankful. (Applause.)

Good jobs also depend on sound tax policy. (Applause.)

Last year, some in this hall thought my tax relief plan was too small (Applause); some thought it was too big. (Boos.) But when the checks arrived in the mail, most Americans thought tax relief was just about right. That $300 dollars helped struggling families pay down their average $5000 of credit card debt, helped slap one row of braces on an uninsured child, and even bought two or three tasty family suppers at the local Sizzlers. And more importantly, America's 60-foot yacht owners were able to buy new uniforms for their domestic help. (Applause.)

Congress listened to the people and responded by reducing tax rates, doubling the child credit, ending the death tax, making sure the children of the wealthy lead lives of well-deserved comfort and recreational Xanax abuse. And so for the sake of long-term growth and prosperity for our nation's luxury car dealers, I say to you today - let's make these tax cuts permanent! (Applause.)

The way out of this recession, the way to create non-unionized jobs, is to grow the economy by encouraging investment in ethereal non-corporations that lie to their employees, and by speeding up tax relief so people have more money to spend, instead of more money to save. For the sake of American workers, let's pass a stimulus package blatantly slanted toward all the fellas I went to Yale with, and far too complex for the Rush Limbaugh-rimming hordes to ever understand! (Applause.)

Americans know economic security can vanish in an instant without health security. I ask Congress to join me this year to enact a patients' bill of rights that guarantees workers that if the worst happens, a condescendingly polite HMO representative will inform them they're sorry they aren't covered and send them away with a nutritious, protein-enriched lollipop.

A good job should lead to security in retirement. I ask Congress to enact new safeguards for 401K and pension plans, and to request that Texas energy traders continue to serve as a shining example for the privatization of Social Security. (Applause.) In a perfect world, employees who have worked hard and saved all their lives shouldn't lose everything when their companies' executives exercise their privilege to cash out in style. Of course, this is not a perfect world. (Laughter.)

Through stricter accounting standards and tougher disclosure requirements, corporate America must be made to seem more accountable to employees and shareholders, and to appear to adhere to the highest standards of conduct, and to establish their off-shore tax shelters only in non-terrorism-supporting sovereign nations like the Cayman Islands. As Americans, we are loathe to interfere in the sovereignty of any nation anywhere.

Deep in the American character, there is honor, and it is stronger than cynicism and grotesquely partisan Internet parodies. And many have discovered again that even in tragedy - especially in tragedy - that God is very near to the good people who fear Him, and that He detests not only people who do not have American flag stickers on their SUVs, but also dissenting satirists whose blatant exercising of the First Amendment is proof that terrorists can still win. (Applause.)

Steadfast in our purpose, we now press on. We have shown freedom's power by screwing the majority of Americans under cover of war. And in this great conflict, which I will do everything in my power to prolong and secure a second term in 2004, we will see freedom's victory – even if it means bending our democracy over a barrel and teaching the uppity bitch a thing or two about how things work in Texas. (Applause.)

Thank you all. May Jesus Christ the only Lord and Savior bless you all. (Applause.)

Please reboot teleprompter.

END 10:03 P.M. EST


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