PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES FAITH-BASED ECONOMICS: "ERASING THE STAIN OF THE CLINTON SURPLUS"
Press Briefing by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Yesterday I was proud to announce that my administration's next budget will
include $48 billion in defense and military spending to keep America safe. At the same time, it remains
our intention to aggressively push forward with the almost unimaginably large pre-9/11 tax cuts for America's
whitest and wealthiest. These two seemingly contradictory strategies make up the philosophical foundation of
my new "Faith-Based Economics" program, the particulars of which were dictated to Billy Graham by God himself,
and have already been proven divinely effective by miraculously erasing the sickening and immoral stain
of the Clinton economic surplus.
As you know, the former occupant of this office was a diseased and lecherous sociopath, whose irresistibly
hulking genitals became the sole obsession of many of my Republican colleagues over the course of a months-long
and often sleepless inquiry. Today, while former President Clinton is long gone (exiled to a
liberal intellectual enclave not far from Jew York City), the memory of his foul Washington doings remains fresh.
For me, as someone whose indebtedness to the Christian Right necessitates that I purport to be moral, it
is imperative that the legacy of my predecessor be completely eliminated. If that means undoing every last inch
of progress made during the period of unprecedented peace and prosperity that America enjoyed after my father
was overwhelmingly voted out of office, then so be it!
Just over one year ago, my speech writers peppered my two minute inaugural speech with no fewer than five
pledges to escort our country into a new era defined by character. Well, it's like my mother used to say -
"nothing breeds character like hardship." Of course, she was talking about fake pearls and having to slum it in the Vice
President's mansion for eight years, but the sentiment's right-on. And so today, I am delighted to inform
you that we're well on our way down the path to building character through poverty for millions of Americans
- especially minority ones. Unemployment of lazy people has risen to nearly 6%, K-Mart has sold elastic waistband pants
to its last crack-addicted welfare mother, and most importantly - we're projecting deficits for 2002 of
over $106 billion! That's Faith-Based Economics at work, folks - and we're just getting started!
Thank you, and God Bless.
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