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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - January 21, 2002 - 9:01 A.M. EST

Official Statement by the Second Lady

THE SECOND LADY: Good morning. Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day - another Federal Holiday passed into law by Democrats who seem to find the word "work" unpalatable. Today, with Dr. King deceased, and the moral hypocrites Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton having been exposed for adultery and flimflammery, respectively, many black Americans find themselves under the mistaken impression that our nation is bereft of exceptional role models. How wrong they are! And so with this in mind, I have decided to follow up my wildly successful Report on Traitorous Intellectuals [pdf] with a list of America's Top 40 Black Role Models. They are as follows:

1. Ronald Reagan
Actor, Follicly Blessed Mascot
2. George W. Bush
Prodigal Son, Tee Ball Enthusiast
3. John Wayne
Actor, Testosterone Geyser
4. Mrs. Clarence Thomas
Wife, Secretary of the Posterior
5. Dr. Laura
GOP Jewess, Non-lesbian
6. Jesse Helms
Senator, Diplomat, Rascal Rider
7. John Ashcroft
Attorney General, R&B Purist
8. Forrest Gump
Soldier, Entrepreneur, Anti-Intellectual
9. Jesus Christ
Lamb, Republican
10. Newt Gingrich
Bipartisanist, Deathbed Provocateur
11. Danforth Quayle
Vice-President, Strawberry Blond
12. Karen Hughes
Strategist, Man's Man, Snappy Dresser
13. Eminem
Invented "Rap" Music
14. Richard Nixon
Recording Artist, Dog Owner, Noted Fiction Author
15. Charleton Heston
Arms Dealer, Cinemascope Prophet
16. This Fetus
Party Loyalty Test, Wanted Until Birth
17. Rush Limbaugh
Radio DJ, Functional Bulimic
18. Antonin Scalia
Mary Worshipper, Ferret Breeder
19. GOP Donors
Healthy, Wealthy, Unaudited
20. Trent Lott
King of lock and load - and loads of locks, Toupee Innovator
21. Ralph Reed
Adorable, Christian, Hetero-Klinefelter
22. John Rocker
23. John Rambo
Icon, Veteran, Vigilante
24. Lynne Cheney (Me!)
Author, Philosopher, Fox, Mother of One Normal Daughter
25. Henry Hyde
Congressman, Athlete
26. Michael Jackson
Singer, Pedagogue to Children, Former Minority
27. Bill O'Reilly
GOP TV Spokesperson, Objectivist
28. Dwight Eisenhower
President, Slayer of Communism
29. Archie Bunker
Smoker, Ideological Everyman
30. Tom DeLay
Congressman, Poet
31. Barry Goldwater
Moderate, Welfare Reformer
32. Canadians
Compliant, Innocuous, Cold, Residents of the 51st State
33. Captain America
Crime Fighter, Ethnic Pillar
34. Katherine Harris
Owner, fleet of Mary Kay Pink Cadillacs (and one pink Geo - everyone has bad years)
35. Dick Cheney
Diligent Lover, Petrochemical Tycoon, Off-shore Entrepreneur
36. Donna Reed
Ruffled Apron Trendsetter, Physical Perfection Incarnate
37. John Tesh
TV Star, Keyboard Funkster
38. Donald Rumsfeld
Sec. of Defense, Senior Sex Bomb
39. Pat Robertson
Professional Christian
40. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Actor, Kennedy Infiltrator, Aryan


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