MR. FLEISCHER: Good morning ladies and gentlemen. As all of you in the press corps are so rabidly aware, early yesterday morning saw President Bush emerge from the East Wing family quarters sporting conspicuous blunt force injuries around his left eye and mouth. At that time, he offered a perfectly rational and believable explanation which made it clear that his bruises were NOT inflicted at the hands of an alcohol-enraged spouse. But since then, the President has looked on in discomfort and anguish as hateful rumors to the contrary have multiplied like so many libidinous Puerto Rican immigrants.

And so this morning, it is my duty to stand here before you and formally issue the TRUE facts relating to the President's injuries:

1. The President's injuries are NOT the result of domestic violence. Any and all rumors suggesting otherwise are PATENTLY UNSUBSTANTIATED.
2. President Bush, a remarkably fit and athletic man whose most recent physical examination summarized his health as "excellent," suddenly lost consciousness while lying supine in front of the television. This was caused by a pretzel. This is nothing unusual or odd. I'm sure that many of you have also become unconscious - or even slipped into a brief, uneventful coma - eating snack foods.
3. Though reclined, and unconscious, the President's face made violent contact with a nearby strip of early 19th century floor molding, the hand-carved decorative pattern of which left vaguely knuckle-shaped indentations below his left eye.
4. While unconscious, Mr. Bush instinctively performed the Heimlich Maneuver on himself. Contrary to a report in Newsweek, Barney did not dislodge the offending pretzel piece.
5. At the time of the President's collapse, Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura") had NOT partaken of no fewer than five Cosmopolitans, and was NOT vocally bemoaning his continued neglect of her formidable mid-life libido.

No questions. Thank you.

	» E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN «
Printing Help