THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you know, yesterday saw the Democrat-controlled United States Senate, that tireless defender of the separation of church and state, adjourn for the year to celebrate Jesus Christ's birthday. Before they return, I will take advantage of this recess to unilaterally confirm the appointment of Eugene Scalia, son of Justice Antonin Scalia, as solicitor general of the Department of Labor. And while this will not transpire until January 11th, today I am pleased to announce the repayment of yet another political debt to the Supreme Court, this time by appointing Mrs. Clarence Thomas to the position of Secretary of the Posterior.

In her new role, which she will assume on January 2nd, Mrs. Thomas will make the correct and widespread utilization of the American posterior her top priority. Alexxxa, as she's known to Clarence, brings over eighteen months of intense, near-constant posterior usage and appreciation to her new position. With a realistic, multi-speed vibrating anus and vagina of her own, Alexxxa can also endure upwards of 250 lbs. of heavy judicial pounding without deflating - a skill which will no doubt ensure the longevity and effectiveness of her tenure on Capitol Hill. Furthermore, Mrs. Thomas will restore much-needed dignity to the long-beleaguered Department of the Posterior - achieving her objectives not only through nepotism and collaboration, but also with the aid of her incredibly life-like and inviting red vinyl mouth orifice, which comes fully equipped with a soft, bio-like tongue and flavorsome faux saliva solution.

In closing, I want to tell the good people of this country that while Mrs. Thomas may be mute, her husband assures me that she is looking forward to forging deep and intense relationships with any and all male citizens interested in optimizing the enjoyment of the all-too-often neglected posterior - especially if they are willing to be videotaped in the process.

Please join me in congratulating Mrs. Thomas on her important and highly-compensated new position. I'm sure she'll do a bang-up job.

Thank you. No questions, of course.

END 9:11 A.M. EST