THE ATTORNEY GENERAL: Yesterday afternoon, while passing through several charming hamlets in suburban Virginia, members of the security detail which accompanies my limousine repeatedly found it necessary to bolt from their black Chevrolet Suburbans, machine guns blazing, and storm a number of outdoor church manger scenes which appeared to be harboring members of domestic al Qaeda sleeper cells.

As you will note, nearly every such nativity display has folks that look just like that terrorist we're after, that evil un-Christian bin Laden fellow. And if we see somebody who looks like a terrorist, we're taking the fucker down.

And so I appear today to make an important announcement: To all churches celebrating the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, the one true God in addition to Him who is, by the way, also Him, with life-sized manger scenes: PLEASE APPROACH EACH BETHLEHEM FRIEZE WITH EXTREME CAUTION. The CIA has informed us that since Middle Eastern males wear the same bedsheet-and-towel clothing style they wore 2,000 years ago (indeed, some of those getups look like they are made from the very same cloth), Christian manager tableaus are probably the only place in American towns where al Qaeda members can loiter and blend in with their surroundings. The F.B.I. reports that approximately 3,000 Muslim terrorists may be stationed throughout our Godly country this holiday season, burying assault rifles and rocket launchers under the straw and standing silently as Magi, taking advantage of your church's Christmas carols and eating the food left out for the donkey. When Christians approach, these deadly Christ-haters stand as still as pesky French mimes so as not to arouse suspicion or trigger a military tribunal or rifle.

To determine whether a manger scene is safe, we suggest that the armed members of your families yell, "Allah is great! Yeah, a great big Ho!" as they approach the holy scene. If any of the Wise Men flinches, shoot first and ask questions later. But please, out of respect, try to avoid hitting the infant child baby Jesus.

Today, we are also pleased to announce that the United States Department of Faith will also be doing its part to help diffuse this dangerous situation. The DOF has gone forward and established a new $5.8 million fund, to which church groups whose plastic nativity figures have been demolished by bloodthirsty anti-Taliban mobs may apply for generous taxpayer-financed replacement grants.

Finally, as a matter of public safety, President Bush himself has advised that going forward, all "wise men" (especially live ones) are advised to dress in business suits - to avoid even the appearance of unrighteousness.

That is all. Thank you.