THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, today is Sunday - the Lord's day, a day of rest, and a day of prayer - not to mention the only Federal holiday that comes 52 times a year. And so it seems only appropriate that I break with my usual Sunday routine of six straight hours of televised sports to make a very important announcement to the good people of this country.

Last week, one of this nation's great moral pillars, Dr. Pat Robertson, announced his retirement from the Christian Coalition of America. This mighty institution, which under Dr. Robertson's stern guidance has so successfully protected America from all manner of smut-peddlers, Jesus-killers, lesbos, fetus-murderers, faggots, and Darwinists, is of course the same one that was so gloriously responsible for installing both my father and myself in the Executive Branch. For all these things, we are eternally grateful - which is why today, it is my pleasure to return the favor by appointing Dr. Robertson to the highly compensated position of General Manager of the Afghan Children's Fund.

In his new position, Dr. Robertson will have absolute authority to apply the full balance of the fund to work to bring Christian relief to the Godless, unwashed pre-adult hordes of Afghanistan. With the nearly $35 million that has been raised to date, the fund will make it possible for Dr. Robertson to not only bathe Afghanistan's children in the bright light of Christ's love, but to also equip every last boy and girl with their very own keepsake Gideon's bible - to be embossed with the special commemorative message, "Spiritual Salvation From the Taxpayers of the United States of America."

I regret that Dr. Robertson can not be here with us this morning. But he is busy, tirelessly crusading to do his part to alleviate yet another American challenge - the energy crunch. He has, however, sent a telegram, in which he states, "Dear Mr. President. I am both honored and humbled to accept this immensely lucrative appointment, and I want to assure the American people that during my tenure, the Afghan Children's Fund will not rest until the scourge of Islam has been sandblasted off the souls of each and every Afghan child, or until the depleted fund can no longer contribute to my many mortgages, which ever comes first." Beautiful sentiments from a beautiful man. I'm sure he'll do a bang-up job.

God bless America, and God bless Pat Robertson.

END 1:31 P.M. EST