THE PRESIDENT: Hello. Thank you for coming. As many of you are already aware, I have recently found it necessary to institute the use of military tribunals to try any and all persons believed to (or suspected of) doing anything (or everything) perhaps (or perhaps not) conceivably (or literally) related to (maybe) jeopardyizing national security during this, the hour of our nation's greatest challenge.

This morning, having consulted at length with Vice President Cheney, Attorney General Ashcroft, and beloved Fox News Commentator Bill O'Reilly, I am pleased to announce that the first enemies of America to be formally tried before my jury-free commission will be the two traitorous Senators from the Yankee, homo-loving state of Vermont: Patrick Leahy and James Jeffords. These two men, by demonstrating a prolonged and shockingly public aversion to slithering their political tongues around my ideological sphincter, have branded themselves as foes of not only this administration, but also of liberty itself.

Senator Jeffords, in handing control of MY Senate over to the Democrats back in May, has thrown into chaos PATRIOTIC plans to save America from Allah-worshipping loonies with the help of supply-side economics. And Senator Leahy, in daring to point out the unconstitutionality of my tribunals, is, in fact, directly fellating the polygamous member of Osama bin Laden himself.

Once, when asked how he felt about New England "states" getting two full Senators, Ronald Reagan said, "Who among us doesn't question the sanity of the founding fathers at least three or four times a day?" Well, you can count me with the Gipper on that one! I mean, this icy little sliver of hippie-encrusted mountains, this infected whitehead on the neck of America, goes and gives homos and bull-dykes the right to get married, and we're supposed to give them TWO Senators? Hell, we gave them one Congressman, and they go and elect a Jewish socialist from Brooklyn! Fortunately for him, he's been behaving. We'll let him live for awhile. (Laughter.)

Yesterday, I met with President Jose Maria Aznar of Spain, and while he may have a girly middle name, I want to assure the good people of this country that he is a Spaniard through and through - and was able to advise me on many exciting and effective strategies for conducting large-scale inquisitions. Soon enough, Senators Jeffords and Leahy will be able to attest to the same.

In closing, I want to thank you folks in the press corps for your continued support and unflagging positive coverage. Keep up the food work, fellas. Or else. (Laughter.)

Thank you.

END 9:11 P.M. EST