THE PRESIDENT: This morning, I awoke to news that the long-awaited findings of the Florida Ballot Project have finally been released. I am pleased to see that while this initiative was conducted and funded by a highly suspect consortium of liberal, baby-killing media organizations such as The New York Times and CNN, it has nevertheless essentially reaffirmed the legal nature of my election last November, despite also pointing to Al Gore's technical victory on both the popular and electoral fronts. I am further heartened to learn that the overwhelming majority of news outlets are emphasizing those elements of the study's findings which point to my legitimacy. To those of you in the White House press pool, I say "Well done!" I guess we can take those taps off your phones now. (Laughter)

At this time, I would like to offer my most heartfelt thanks to the people behind this noble undertaking. In towing the party line for me in this time of crisis, you have done America a great service. And because of you, my presidency will from this day forward be altered in three subtle, yet noteworthy ways:

1. I need no longer force myself to be polite to the uppity female Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. I am not indebted to her after all, and as such will cease to feign amusement when she calls and asks, "How's my little Bitch Boy?"
2. When delivering pre-prepared speeches extolling the virtues of democracy, my cheeks will no longer be flushed with the hot shame of hypocrisy. Instead, they'll be flushed with the warm glow of aged Kentucky bourbon.
3. Except as it relates to the war effort, I can now safety put an end to those bi-partisan "Gang of 5" meetings. Good thing, too - because Ted Kennedy's cologne was giving me one hell of a woody! (Laughter)

Thank you, and good day. Let's roll.

END 9:03 A.M. EST