PRESIDENTS BUSH PROTECT AMERICA WITH EXECUTIVE ORDER 13233

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: Good morning. Thank you for being here. Today I am pleased to announce the addition to the National Register of Executive Order 13233, which I signed into law on November 1, 2001 - and which permits me to single-handedly suppress the release of the Presidential archives of my predecessors. And while both conservative and liberal Constitutional scholars agree that I have far overstepped the bounds of my office on this one, I'd like to take a moment to explain my father's reasoning for urgently insisting that I sign my name to this document, which he dictated to Karl Rove one afternoon last week while massaging my mother's broad and powerful shoulders.

First, let me state what Executive Order 13233 is NOT. It is NOT my father and I conspiring to prevent the release of eight years worth of Reagan administration documents which were scheduled to become public within a matter of weeks. It is NOT the product of my family's abiding fear that the aforementioned documents contain excrutiatingly embarassing revelations about my father and members of the present administration, which, when considered as a whole, could very well call into question the legitimacy of our political dynasty. And finally, it is NOT a patently obvious attempt to dictate how history will judge our Presidencies.

Now, as to what Executive Order 13233 IS - it IS a completely and utterly necessary move to protect national security during a time of war. I want the good people of this country to understand that Presidential documents positively bristle with tidbits of sensitive and top-secret information, any and all of which could be obtained by and exploited by our enemies in their ongoing efforts to destroy this great nation. My father and I contend that Ronald Reagan's papers are especially sensitive, inasmuch as they contain the former President's candid thoughts and unedited insight into the many confidential matters about which he possessed voluminous knowledge - most significantly: the art of vacuous demagoguery, governing during bio-lobotomization, and the chemistry of advanced hair coloring systems.

We are confident that the benefits to national security realized by Executive Order 13233 are readily apparent. And to those members of Congress who have recently expressed contrary sentiments on this matter, I would like to take this opportunity to say just one thing - "Please, I urge you - take a moment to pull Fidel Castro's fat commie cock out of your dirtbag treasonous mouth. When you do, you'll see the light - and maybe, just maybe, you'll be invited to Kennebunkport next summer for Lobsterfest 2002."

This concludes my remarks on this matter. Thank you again for coming.

END 11:19 A.M. EST