PRESIDENT DISPELS LIBERAL MYTH OF JOBLESSNESS

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for coming. As many of you are already aware, this past Friday saw the Bureau of Labor Statistics release new figures indicating that America's unemployment rate has jumped to 4.9% - a five-year high. These figures are grossly false.

Having conferred for the better part of the weekend with the many revered statisticians and economists in my administration, I am here to tell you with the utmost certainism that unseen forces within the Bureau of Labor Statistics are working to further a dangerous liberal agenda of lies and distortion.

14 years ago, another visionary Republican president, Ronald Wilson Reagan, was confronted by a similar partisan campaign waged by the traitorous bleeding-hearts who crunch numbers deep within the bowels of Federal office buildings here in the festering cesspool of Ivy League intellectualism that is Washington DC. At that time, they maintained that there were Americans in America who did not possess homes of their own - and even went so far as to suggest that there are hard-working Americans who were reduced to sleeping on the streets of our nation's hard-working cities. In steadfastly denying these allegations, regardless of whatever "proof" accompanied them, President Reagan exposed this fraud for what it was - untrue.

Today, I stand in kindred denial with former President Reagan, whom if he were capable of doing any more than watching the Cartoon Network, would join me in denouncing this type of destructive, divisive, and utterly dishonest manipulation of the facts. And so I state for the record - just as homelessness was a liberal myth of the 1980's, so too is today's talk of "joblessness" which spreads like a Democratic cancer across this great land of ours.

The truth of the matter is that under my stewardship, unemployment has actually fallen precipitously - to an all-time low of 1.2%. At this time, I am happy to announce that the only hard-working Americans who are NOT working hard are the following:

• America's organized labor (union) workers - true, while most of these persons are not technically unemployed, they are nevertheless grossly overpaid and lazy - hence their inclusion here.
• 5,322 psychologically crazy, physically crippled, or otherwise somehow hopelessly defective persons
• 1,732 welfare-addicted colored mothers
• Al Gore

I hope this goes a long way in helping to dispel the lies and misinformation that are conspiring to endanger our nation's economy. Thank you for your time.

END 9:08 A.M. EST