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THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary


For Immediate Release September 4, 2001

PRESIDENTIAL STATEMENT DENOUNCING ROGUE IMPOSTER WEB SITE

8:10 A.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Earlier today, I was briefed by my National Security Advisor, Condoleezza Rice on the emergence of a dangerous and detestable new presence on the World Wide Web. On August 31st, as Americans were settling in to their extended Labor Day weekends, a rogue and counterfeit web site masquerading as the official home page of The White House was established on the Internet by parties as of yet unknown.

Rife with misinformation and grotesquely nefarious Anti-American propaganda, the all-new digital outpost thumbs its nose at the very notion of decency, shamelessly exposing its ideological genitals to any and all unfortunate passersby - in broad daylight no less - at the publically accessible address www.whitehouse.gov.

The apparent work of skilled counterfeiters, the new web site is nevertheless marked by two conspicuous flaws, which we can only hope will successfully advertise its falseness to even the most cognitively-impaired members of the global Internet-using community:

  1. While initially convincing in its polished presentation, the www.whitehouse.gov web site's soft and etherial design bears an unmistakable resemblance to the effeminate pastel sketches of homosexual art students. Rest assured that I, your rugged and determinedly non-cultured President, would never permit myself to be represented by such a sissified creation.

  2. While it may offer an undeniable abundance of meticulously constructed lies, visitors will note that fully 35% of www.whitehouse.gov is published in the Mexican language. True, I may have dabbled in that particular un-American tongue during my days patronizing wetbacks in Texas, but to suggest for even one minute that I would sanction the use of such a gutteral dialect in official White House communications is patently absurd - and I trust that visitors to the rogue Internet property will realize as much.
At this time, I have authorized Attorney General John Ashcroft and newly appointed FBI Director Robert Mueller to spare no expense in seeking out the perpetrators of this global fraud and bringing them to justice. Make no mistake, the First Amendment to the Constitution remains open to interpretation by the same Supreme Court that declared me a God on earth. I believe that free speech has its limits, and we intend to enforce them at all costs.

Thank you.

END 8:16 A.M. EST

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