PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES WHITE HOUSE DRESS CODE
9:45 A.M. EST
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.
In the year one of the beginning of the millennium, it is my great honor to introduce the public to a White House completely reenvisionated and re-captured for compassionate conservatives. As their leader, I welcome you to a house that is filled to the rafters with history and noble Americanism - from the uncomfortable antiques which line each and every room - to the complementary presidential seal-embossed skeet targets I obliterate in the back yard while Laura is pretending to read.
Yes, The White House is a fine piece of American workmanship - which is why it is important that its visitors demonstrate serious respectitude when entering this place of overwhelming goodness. To those persons who might maintain that the White House is bad, I can only conclude that you have been warped by the deranged ramblings of Al Gore and his Jew friends at the Clinton News Network. Unless, of course, you are using "bad" as a hip slang synonym for "good," in which case you're wholly accurate.
And so, with all this in mind, Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura") and I are proud to announce a White House dress code that will restore an appropriate atmosphere of formality and asexual deference to the memories and Presidential poltergeists that still wander these hallowed halls. Adherence to this dress code will enable all persons to enjoyify their visits to The White House - from the revered rulers of foreign and Godless nations, to the fun-loving and gender ambiguous Karen Hughes, to even the most common tourist rabble. All persons are welcome in my home - provided they have the means to buy a ticket.
There are four simple rules associated with my new White House Dress Code. They are as follows:
Later today, I will be departing on Marine One for the first of my many vacations. When I return in several days, this dress code policy will be in full effect, and the grand old mansion we stand in now, having been sickened to tears by the flower-power informality and rampant cross-dressing of its previous deviant occupants, will release an audible sigh of relief.
- Suits: Suits are required attire for all persons possessing a penis. The following color and fabric combinations have been deemed acceptable: dark blue and wool, navy blue and wool, dark gray and wool, charcoal gray and wool, and dark brown and wool (fall only). Persons attired in suits made of silk, crushed velvet, velour, terrycloth or low-quality merino blends will be denied entry to The White House (unless bearing contributions).
- Dresses: Everyone may wear dresses so long as they are women. Short dresses or mini-skirts are acceptable, providing the wearer is under 28 years of age and possesses legs objectively classifiable as "sweet." Women who are heavy-set, elderly, or otherwise aesthetically impaired are required to wear floor-length floral print gowns or housecoats.
- T-Shirts: T-shirts are permitted, providing any message emblazoned on them is appropriate
for the White House. Acceptable messages include alcohol, tobacco or firearm-related expressions
such as "Eat the Worm," "Chuck Heston is MY President," "Absolut Spring Break," "Marlboro Race Team"
or "Highway 420." Unacceptable messages are typically leftist and pinko slogans such as "Save the
Whales," "Solar Power Now," "Free Mumia," or "My Parents Went to Texas, And All I Got Was This Lousy Lethal Injection."
- Short Pants: Short pants are appropriate only under the following circumstances: Fahrenheit temperature exceeds 95 degrees, humidity index exceeds 115 degrees, Jenna and her sorority sisters throw a kegger on the back lawn, you have paid double the stated admission fee, or you have pledged in excess of $8000 to the RNC in the current calendar year. Once again, as is the case with women's miniskirts, only attractive and non-cellulite-riddled shorts-wearers will be granted admission, regardless of any other conditions in this category that may apply.
END 9:57 A.M. EST