1. Keep Cigarettes Safe from Water!   Water causes wetness, and wetness can keep your cigarettes from properly igniting and efficiently delivering scientifically calibrated doses of totally non-addictive nicotine into those sticky little air sacks way at the bottom of your lungs! But bath water can be your friend when you've finished one Mr. Ciggy and are ready to light up another refreshing Marlboro (brand) cigarette. Just dip the tip of Mr. Ciggy in your bath water and allow the discarded cigarette to float in the tub. A fun bath time game is to watch menthol filters grow as they fill with Mr. Bubble^® water.
2. Bedtime Smoking Smarts!   After bedtime prayers, nothing relaxes like a cool drag from a hot Winston (brand) cigarette. If you must smoke in bed, make sure that all your bedding (sheets, blankets, etc.) is free from inexpensive synthetic fibers, which can catch fire and result in damage to your parents' valuable material possessions!
3. Keep Cigarettes Safe from Breaking!   A sturdy and stylish cigarette case is what all the cool kids have! You can order new Barney and Spiderman cases from Phillip Morris with the proof of purchase of 4 cartons of Benson & Hedges (please order as "crayon case" for adult legal-mumbo-jumbo reasons). They will give your cigarettes the extra protection they need during such rigorously youthful activities as privately tutored golfing, fencing, and polo lessons!
4. Let the Buyer Beware!   When choosing an adult to ask to buy you cigarettes at a cruelly authoritarian, liberal-managed convenience store that won't sell tobacco to persons under 18, make certain never to speak to anyone who looks like s/he might be on the Federal welfare rolls - they will steal your cigarettes, leaving you craving (in a purely nonaddictive way) a smoke ! !
5. Remember: Fresh = Tasty!   Never forget that an important part of the exclusive appeal of cigarettes is their highly perishable nature; they stay smokably fresh for only three to four hours after their cellophane seal is broken. To avoid the unpleasant sensation of less-than-perfect tobacco flavor, be certain to smoke the contents of each package within four, pleasure-filled hours. If, for some weird reason, you can't smoke all 20 during this "freshness window," discard any cigarettes still left in your package. Don't worry, there are plenty more to buy at thousands and thousands of stores!
6. Keep it Clean!   If your preferred brand is filterless, your fingers and teeth may become pleasantly discolored by stubborn, yet fashionable nicotine stains. While most people wear them with pride, if you find them objectionable, you'll find they're easily removed with heavy-duty cleansers and tooth polishes, like Comet^® and Topol^®.
7. Smoke Right, Smoke Safe!   As you get older, the way you hold your cigarette will become increasingly important. Girls should gently clamp the midsection of the cigarette between their fully extended index and middle fingers. Only retards blow smoke out of their nose. Boys should clasp the base (NOT "butt") of the cigarette firmly between the thumb and index finger. Failure to adhere to these gender-specific tobacco norms, especially while in public, can be VERY dangerous! You would hate to cut short a long life of buying cigarettes due to being fatally gay-bashed by the Lord and a pickup truck full of home-schooled Christian youth, wouldn't you? Well sure you would!

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