Boys and Girls! Scared of what might happen if you get in trouble with the police? Well don't be!
Because ignoring boring laws written to control poor people is not only a harmless rite of passage, it's a sacred Bush family tradition.
And just like the President himself,
the next generation of Bushes is already hard at work laying the foundation for
their meteoric rise to political superstardom! Here are some of their awesome tips and ideas that you can try yourself!
Jebby Bush Sez: "Whassup little dudes and dudettes? Listen, the main thing to remember when
you're getting busted is that everything will be way OK. So whether you're boning some horny
slut in a mall parking lot, or getting massively wasted and smacking cops around,
it's not like there will be any REAL consequences or anything. Oh, and if the pig who's hassling you so much as
touches you after you tell him you're like, royalty, just have your old man call up the Attorney
General's office and make sure that donut-munching fuck gets totally shit-canned!"
Jenna Bush Sez: "OMIGOD, like, policemen are so lame. One minute, you're all like
doing your own thing, like hanging with your friends and sucking down ciggies and mad tasty beverages,
and the next minute, there's like some majorly ugly guy being all, 'Stop that!' Then you're all,
'Whatever loser, my mom's only been letting me do this since I was TEN!' And then he's all, 'You're in
trouble! Come with me!' And then you're all, 'Alright already!' And that's when you totally barf strawberry margarita
and burrito chunks right in his stupid middle-classed face!"
Noelle Bush Sez:
"Granddaddy started the War on Drugs – and we're winning! Now speaking in my capacity as a 'little
brown one', I know what I'm talking about when I say how fairly we coloreds get treated by the police
every time they catch us with totally legal happy pills that we buy in totally legal bulk from
totally legal doctor friends who'll do anything so long as our family puts caps on malpractice suit
payouts. As for advice, when you get sentenced to hard time in luxury rehab – don't forget to mention how your
uncle is King of America, kids! Then they won't even DREAM of looking for the backup stash at the end of your
Barbara Bush Sez: "My namesake, Grandma Bar, always said there are two types of people: us
and them! If you're one of "us", and you need to fill the blank, sucking, empty space
inside you with a hip flask of Scotch before you can strip down at the Yale naked party – all you
have to do is commit a little white felony with your
while your hunky Secret Service agents wait outside in the armored SUV. And if you get caught,
don't worry. After all, everybody makes mistakes...again and again and again and again! Of
course, if you're "them"... sorry. Maybe if you had spent more time improving yourself, you could
have afforded a better lawyer!"
George P. Bush Sez: "As a politician in training, the best advice I can offer any aspiring
young criminal – aside from 'always wear enough Drakkar Noir to gas a whole Kurd village' –
is to simply change your name so it's the same as a recent President of the United States. Once you do
that, you're golden. Hell, you can even morph into a violent stalker
who terrorizes the families of girls who laughed at the size of his little Mexi-Rican chorizo – and the police
will let you sail free. And if for some reason they don't, simply cut a five-figure bribe check from your
mega-phat trust fund account!"