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Operation Iraqi Oil Freedom


SECRETARY FLEISCHER: Good afternoon. The President began his day today with an intelligence briefing on recent TV news coverage of the non-quagmire in Iraq, followed by a temper tantrum and a panty-wadding snit. The President is dismayed by the non-FOX media's traitorous determination to practice fact-obsessed journalism at a time of political crisis, and is especially enraged by the Iraqi populace's spiteful refusal to play along with the line he sold to the American public: that those filthy ragheads couldn't wait for us to kill their families, incinerate their homes, and take over their oil fields.

Well, I stand before you today to remind you that regardless of what it sounds like those Iraqi children were shrieking as they fired machine guns at the soldiers of our vast coalition, they were really just scoffing at the liberal fiction of rampant anti-Americanism among Iraqazoid civilians. Indeed, just as black is white, this hateful myth is false. Yes, everywhere non-liberals look, throngs of beaming Iraqo-Ricans can be seen blissfully reveling in their newfound freedom, smiling beatifically as they happily extract jagged shards of JDAM shrapnel from deep within each others' faces – not unlike amorous gorillas plucking the blood-engorged fleas off the backs of their godless animal brethren. And lest anyone doubt this truth, I ask them to remember that the camera never lies, and behold the proof of our success to date:

This lucky recent convert to American FreedomTM is positively erupting with joy and excitement about her glorious future in the brave new world that is George W. Bush's Iraq. Flash those pearly whites, Miss Camel bin Lipstick! There's nowhere to go but up, up, UP! This handsome fella couldn't be happier to be on the shell-shocked receiving end of a Big Fluffy Love Bomb of Democracy (BiFLBODTM). Why, moments after this photo was taken, he wrote out "THANK YOU PRESIDENT BUSH" in a steaming rope of his own intestines!
Sure, little Sadika here may look a mess - but looks can be deceiving. Truth be told, she was tired of smelling all those icky death smells, and is tickled raw to be enjoying the privelege of burrowing her giant Arab honker in a comfy, fragrant pillow of Freedom GauzeTM! Mommy and daddy were only supposed to be at the market for a few minutes, but now thanks to President Bush, they're haggling over sheep's eyes in heaven for all eternity – and little Omar Jr. is so happy about it, he can't wait to grow up and thank America in person!
Blissfully relieved of the stresses which accompany the burden of functioning legs, barrel-chested Abdul here dreams sweet dreams of imminent visits from agendaless American missionaries – all while breathing deeply from a frosty tank of invigorating 100% Freedom AirTM! Some liberal naysayers still foolishly insist that it's impossible to enjoy freedom when you're dead, but just try telling that to pretty little Fahmeeda. Why at this very moment, she's skipping Freedom HopscotchTM with Allah on the banks of the River Whooped-by-Jesus!
Positively bushed from celebrating their glorious liberation from life itself, these two teenaged Iraqi soldiers don't have a care in the world. And as for the tasty-looking snack packed in their cold blue mouths, well that's nothing less than USDA Grade-A Freedom SandTM! A freshly liberated Iraquess thrills to the wholesome excitement of an American-style hayless hay ride to the nearest trauma surgery center! Later, she would cook and savor her very first Freedom S'moreTM over the warm flame of a pile of gas-drenched Fedayeen corpses!
This formerly Saddam-molested unfortunate weeps hot tears of Freedom JoyTM upon learning that she will soon realize her dream of licking the soles of American jackboots while tending the graves of her children in an ultra-utopian democratic gulag-state! What better way to kick off a splendid life of liberty than with six months of R&R between cool, crisp hospital sheets? Think he'll remember that it was President George W. Bush who turned his world of shit into a world of life-enriching Freedom FertilizerTM? Well sure he will!
Iraqazoid youth flock through Freedom RubbleTM-strewn streets, jubilantly shouting, "Hooray for America! We welcome their condescending reinvention of our inferior nation, and we are eager for the establishment of martial law over our helpless sand negro selves!" Used to be, Raghib was just another ordinary little Iraqazoid boy. Then one day, an American cluster bomb sliced through his pelvic viscera like a chainsaw through so much warm hummus. And now? All the orphan boys in Baghdad want neato Freedom SuturesTM like his!
Before Operation Iraqazoid Freedom came and toppled the nasty regime of the never-elected oil baron Saddam Hussein, young Satinah's world was dark and dreary. But that's all changed now, and Satina just loves watching it all unfold through her fancy new rose-colored Freedom MonocleTM! In a moment of quiet contemplation, young Saddamma pauses to appreciate the advantages of the gleaming new Freedom PlateTM in her head. Asked her thoughts, she gushed "Thank Allah for morally grandiose, non-opportunistic Western interest in our third world cult of personality!"

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