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Operation Iraqi Oil Freedom

For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - April 25, 2003 - 2:22 P.M. (EST)


THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Welcome to the first-ever awards ceremony for the "Civilian Warmonger Medals of Armchair Valor" (view medal). I can't tell you how gonzo happy I am to personally honor these famous folks, each of whom so bravely absorbed the "major combat operations" from the terrifying vantagepoint of overstuffed La-Z-Boys, feverishly pumping their crotch triggers in time to the thumping score of FOX NEWS warnography, then obediently chastising anyone who dared voice opinions that weren't in my fucking script!

Before we get to the goods though, I want to thank our corporate sponsors for providing us with this little banquet. So let's give a Texas-sized shout-out to the good folks at Pepsico's Taco Bell division! (Applause.) I'll tell you, nothing says "Mexcellence" to me like the all-new "JDAM Gordita Supreme" - guaranteed to deliver a precision-guided payload of cheez-drenched Camel Asada straight to your clammy, dimpled American ass.

And now, without further AH-DOOOO – the coveted "Civilian Warmonger Medals of Armchair Valor" go to the following fearless, two-faced Americans:

Sean Hannity: For being my favorite Mick sparkplug bulldog, who never let up on his crusade to convince Bill and Brenda Bible-Belt that they were in imminent danger of having a swarm of explosives-laden sand negroes descend on their cul de sac and start penetrating their blue-eyed babies. And for being a younger, much cuter clone of Rush, sans the anal cysts! Dennis Miller: For turning your formerly liberal act into a pro-war screed, thus strategically getting the upper hand on other so-called comedians who traitorously clung to their convictions. And for discovering how when combined with blood-drenched victory, that daily cocktail of Rogaine and Viagra you swear by can also cause euphoric hallucinations of self-worth!
Joe Lieberman: For being so pumped-up on laughable delusions that real Americans (not Connectazoids) would ever vote for a raisin-faced Jew dwarf who won't even eat bacon or drive a Ford F-150 on Saturdays, that you supported my little wargasm every step of the way. Hey Joe! What's it like looking in the mirror and seeing Mike Dukasis in a yarmulke? Ann Coulter: For being the toughest, whitest, nastiest former dude in my vast, tireless army of sycophantic, ethically pure, fair weather Christian pig-men and assorted submissive vagina-havers. For spewing hate with gusto, and ignoring the irony that if it weren't for the feminists you so vocally despise, the only thing you'd be writing is grocery lists.
Kyra Phillips: For all the long afternoons you kept that stairmaster-toned butt parked at the CNN anchor desk, wearing your sneering contempt for the anti-war set on your cute-as-a-button fascist sleeve, and conditioning America's daytime viewing population of housewives and unemployed couch potatoes to hunger for conquest like Pavlovian dogs of war. Bruce Willis: For showing that Hollywood men can have balls - even if they are probably shaved. And for beating that dude in the lobby to within an inch of his life when he said that your brilliantly jingoistic, shamelessly opportunistic 2003 war flop Tears of the Sun could be effectively implemented as a brutally torturous method of interrogating captured terrorists.
Thomas Friedman: For breaking ranks with your little posse of Ivy League, Jew York Times Op-Ed scribblers and jumping on the war wagon! Suspicious A-rab moustache or not, your articulate columns consistently justified war in a thoughtful, faggoty way - enabling thousands of on-the-fence liberals to embrace their primal bloodlust! Hillary Clinton: For being so hungry for power, yet so patient, that you took the political safe route of supporting my war and resetting your sights on Campaign 2008. But whatever your motivations, I'm just happy you made like a good frigid bitch and zipped your rug-munching trap for once. Hell, if you weren't white, you wouldn't even have been in the running for this medal in the first place!

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