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THE WHITE HOUSE
UNITED STATES OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY

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  1. Q: If President Bush outlaws masturbation, won't all the men run around raping women and fornicating? Wouldn't that be worse?
    A: Why does it have to be either masturbation or fornication? Do people think they have some kind of right to extra-marital orgasms? President Bush doesn't remember seeing that anywhere in the Bible or the Declaration of Independence. What Americans do have is a right to is prayer, fasting and cold showers!

  2. Q: In Africa, when they do a clitoridectomy, they use a sharpened rock and no anesthesia and it hurts and they sew the vagina shut and the poor girl gets infected and dies! How can you support that?
    A: What do you see at the top of this page? Does it say "Operation African Purity?" No, because we aren't in Africa. Each of the complications you reference results from performing the operation without the benefit of modern, sterile medical facilities. That's like saying we shouldn't drink water because Mexicans get diarrhea from drinking water!

  3. Q: Why do you say that God killed Onan for masturbating? It says in the Bible that God struck him down for refusing to get his brother's widow pregnant!
    A: The Bible says that God struck Onan down for spilling his seed on the ground. God hates that! And if Onan wasn't masturbating, how do you explain that words like "Onani" and "Onanism" are synomomous with "masturbation" in so many European languages?

  4. Q: Why doesn't the Bible explicitly state that masturbation is wrong?
    A: Have you ever read a book on etiquette? Did it explicitly say that it's bad manners to masturbate at the dinner table? Of course not! Why? Because everyone knows not to masturbate at the dinner table. And in Biblical times, everyone knew that God hates masturbation, so they didn't have to be told.

  5. Q: Where is this Lake of Fire you keep talking about? The Bible doesn't say anything about a Lake of Fire! And if there really is a Lake of Fire, won't it be just a huge party with me and Satan masturbating together forever?
    A: Sadly, this is an extremely common question. It makes President and Mrs. Bush wonder if any of you people have ever even been in the same COUNTY as a Bible, let alone READ one. See for yourself:
    Revelation 20:10 - And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

    Revelation 21:8 - But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

  6. Q: What about nocturnal emissions? Wouldn't they cause false positives on the Operation Infinite Purity urine tests?
    A: President Bush wouldn't exactly call it a "false" positive, since nocturnal emissions only occur in men and boys who have filthy, lurid minds. Jesus said that when you look at a woman with lust, you have committed adultery. Besides, who cares about false positives? The urine tests administered to military personnel, high school students and corporate employees give false positives all the time and no one complains. This is the price we have to pay for justice and security.

  7. Q: Aren't crime and poverty bigger problems today than masturbation? What is President Bush doing about crime and poverty?
    A: As far as crime goes, it's pretty obvious that masturbation and football (you know, guys bending over in tight pants) are the leading causes of rape and other sexual crimes. After masturbation and football are made illegal, the crime rate will no doubt plummet.

    As regards poverty, please remember the huge problem we had with homeless people in the eighties. So many millions of people chose to become homeless just to embarrass Ronald Reagan, you couldn't go anywhere without being "spare-changed." So what did the Gipper do? He outlawed everything that homeless people did to survive, like camping in parks and dumpster diving. In Washington, D.C. they put cages over steam vents to keep the homeless from getting warm, and it worked! No more homeless problem! It was a triumph for the Reagan Revolution!

  8. Q: How will a ban on masturbation be enforced?
    A: Strictly! Among other tactics, President Bush plans to:

    • Place random masturbation-checkpoint roadblocks in America's cities, at which motorists will be stopped and their cars searched for signs of masturbation by police with finger-sniffing dogs.
    • Add the phrase "Masturbation-Free" to the Pledge of Allegiance and require everyone to recite this and other loyalty oaths when buying food or receiving health care.
    • Create wide masturbation-free zones around schools. As harsh as the punishment for masturbation will be, we'll double it if the offense occurs within four miles of a school.
    • Make anti-masturbation research a priority. The thousands of scientists and engineers currently wasting their time on trivial matters like cancer and AIDS should be permanently diverted to developing an effective anti-masturbation strategy and a space-based missile defense shield.
    • Create a National Secret Police Force to investigate incidents of masturbation, terrorism, flag-burning and hippie drum circles.

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  9. Q: If masturbation is bad because it wastes sperm, then why is it wrong for females to masturbate?
    A: First: When a female masturbates, she turns her thoughts away from the Glory of God and focuses her attention on mental images of such things as Tom Selleck's swarthy backside (or so it's been said). This hyper-lustful state of mind, which afflicts both sexes, does not just go away upon the completion of the foul act, but is actually reinforced by the imaginary pleasure of the climax. Therefore, the more one masturbates, the more one's mind is clogged with the filthy fantasies that lead to even more masturbation. It is a vicious circle that is almost impossible to break out of without the love of Christ and/or surgical intervention.

    Second: Doctors will tell you that the incidence of female cancers and certain birth defects has been rising "mysteriously" since the mid-sixties, and while environmental whackos will try to attribute this to mythical "pollution," a careful reading of relevant medical literature indicates that the rate of increase of these ailments closely parallels... guess what? The rate of increase of female masturbation!

  10. Q: If the murder of millions of sperm cells with every frivolous ejaculation is such an abomination before God, then what about the unfertilized egg that dies whenever a woman has her Monthly Curse?
    A: In Biblical times this was not a problem. Girls would be married at the beginning of puberty and would remain almost continually nursing and/or with child until menopause, and therefore would seldom, if ever, experience the Curse of Eve. As well it should be.

    In today's world, however, the Monthly Visit is all too common, and the resulting waste of innocent life is heartbreaking. President Bush's Prayer Squad holds solemn memorial services each morning for every last discarded tampon and maxi-pad, and prays fervently for an end to the unholy slaughter.

  11. Q: If sex education is outlawed, won't there be a lot more venereal disease and teen pregnancy?
    A: No, the eradication of sex education will result in LESS venereal disease and teen pregnancy. These evils wouldn't be on the rise in the first place if it weren't for the garbage being taught in our schools by deranged liberal homo-lovers who think they can fornicate without suffering the consequences. These days, children are taught that they can do anything they want if they wear a condom, and they only find out too late that condoms are a cruel hoax once they've started urinating thick ropes of herpes pus.

    It is for all these reasons and more that President Bush is determined to ban sex education not only from elementary schools schools, but also from colleges, universities and even medical schools – thereby relegating knowledge of the filthy mechanics of human reproduction exclusively to select theologians. Because the only thing doctors need to know about sex is how to deliver babies, and the only thing common people need to know about it is "DON'T!"

Overview Advice for Parents Common Questions

Kindly Reprinted/Adapted by Permission from "Americans for Purity: Winning the War Against Masturbation"


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