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THE WHITE HOUSE
UNITED STATES OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY

Overview Advice for Parents Common Questions
President and Mrs. Bush hope that you never have to deal with the tragic heartbreak of a child who masturbates. But the sad fact is, masturbation is rampant among today's youth. The first step towards dealing with a problem is to recognize that the problem exists. Here are some of the most common warning signs that your child may be masturbating:
  1. ACNE: Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the primary cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't masturbate have acne.
  2. DEPRESSION: Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy – the most likely cause is chronic masturbation.
  3. DESIRE FOR PRIVACY: Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to desire privacy. Chances are he or she is in there masturbating.
  4. "ROCK" MUSIC: Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try masturbation.
  5. BOY JUICES: Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have been deposited there. So line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family prayer meeting and underwear check!
  6. IDEALISM: Does your teenager have liberal or otherwise idealistic political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by self-abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.
  7. FADDISM: Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to masturbate, either.
  8. DENIAL: Does your child look guilty or deny masturbating? Very few teenaged masturbators will openly admit to their sickness!
  9. EVIDENCE: Have you caught your child masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down stroking his erect penis, he's probably masturbating.


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If your child masturbates, there are steps you can take to stop the problem. If your child doesn't masturbate, there are things you can do to prevent it.
  1. Remove your child's bedroom door. Privacy is one of the leading causes of masturbation.
  2. Monitor your family's use of the restroom. Not only will this prevent masturbation, it will prepare your teens for today's workplace, where corporations are stepping up their surveillance of employees' bathroom usage.
  3. Throw away your television. There is absolutely nothing of value on television. Everyone should be reading their Bibles or working, not watching filth like Baywatch or Star Trek.
  4. Control your child's reading material. Screen everything your child brings into the house. Do not allow anything even remotely stimulating. Get up early in the morning and go through the newspaper cutting out all of the pictures in the underwear ads. Burn them before your teenager wakes up.
  5. Be sensible about the music your child listens to. There is hardly any music in existence that is really suitable, because anything with a "Rock," "Country" or "Gospel" beat to it (even if it is labeled "Christian!") is designed to incite sexual desire and summon demons from the Pit of Hell straight into your lovely suburban home. Practically all music CDs, tapes or MP3 files in your child's possession must be destroyed, especially if they are by pornographic "Rap-Hop" artists such as Garth Brooks, Britney Spears or Clay Aiken. Consider collaborating with your fellow churchgoers to turn the event into a wonderfully festive bonfire and prayer meeting!
  6. Use corporal punishment. Spare the rod and spoil the child! Although outlawed by Socialists in many places, a good sound thrashing has always been the best cure for the unruly child.
  7. Buy and use commercially available anti-masturbation devices. President Bush has made it one of the goals of the U.S. Department of Faith to fund private Christian companies to develop an effective anti-masturbation device for girls.
  8. Understand your child's language. There are dozens of slang terms for masturbation in use by today's teenagers. You should be familiar with them. Click here for a list. There are many other lists available on the Web. Don't use these slang terms around your children! If you must refer to masturbation, use the term "self-abuse."
  9. Scientifically test your children for signs of masturbation. The same liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a missile shield scoffed until they were bleeding when the Americans for Purity group revealed that scientists were hard at work on an test that would reveal signs of masturbation in your children, but it's here. TeenScreenTM scientifically detects a protein enzyme produced by the male prostate gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, Saltines, etc. It apparently won't detect masturbation in girls (consultants assure the Bush Administration that females have no prostate glands, although the Bible suggests otherwise), but will uncover sexual activity in daughters by detecting traces of semen in panties, hair, etc. For additional security, you may easily buy a $10.00 microscope from Toys R Us and a $500.00 centrifuge from Fisher Scientific that will enable you (MALE CHRISTIAN PARENTS ONLY!!!!) to examine your son's urine for signs of the Sin of Onan. The slightest decline in a boy's urinary spermatozoa count should be met with instant and total humiliation (and hospitalization if possible).
  10. Insist that your children wear boxing gloves to bed. Boxing gloves are nearly impossible to remove without assistance. If you do this you can sleep soundly, knowing that your children aren't on the other side of the wall touching their smelly little giblets in an impure fashion.

Overview Advice for Parents Common Questions

Kindly Reprinted/Adapted by Permission from "Americans for Purity: Winning the War Against Masturbation"


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