USA PATRIOT REGISTRATION - WHITEHOUSE.ORG

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ATTENTION CITIZENS: As part of the Bush Administration's ongoing efforts to obliterate all traces of terrorism in the United States, the Department of Justice has commenced registration* of each and every American Patriot. By registering all non-terrorists within our borders, it is our intention to make use of the process of elimination to identify the evil ones who walk among us. If you are a non-terrorist (American Patriot), your participation is required. Please register below.
- Alberto Gonzales
United States Attorney General

AMERICAN PATRIOT REGISTRATION

FLATTER JESUS, Or He'll Torture You in Hell!

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Name in Full:

E-mail Address:

Date of Birth:

Country of Origin:

Marital Status:

Political Affiliation:

Religion:

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

If YES, please indicate crime:

I love America.

The best way to fight terrorism is to visit Disney World.

I am a terrorist.

I am sure.

Toenail clippers are potential instruments of murder.

White people are almost never crazy.

Vegetarians are traitors to the American way of life.

Indefinite detentions of minority groups are a privilege of citizenship.

Fox News is fair, balanced, and profoundly watchable.

Black people wearing those "big pants" are suspicious.

Rush Limbaugh is an elected official.

He should be.

Even though he was kind of a cripple for awhile.

People who wear turbans are, more often than not, mad dog killers.

My favorite movie is:

On Sunday afternoons, I like to...

Asians are particularly good at math.

My favorite food is:

The TRUE capital of the United States is:

What Would Jesus Do?

On a scale of 1 to 10, what is Pamela Anderson?

George W. Bush is:

Which is the least important right?

Criticism of the Government:

Democracy is based on what principle?

US Foreign Policy:

Finally, in 25 words or less, complete the sentence, "I deserve my American citizenship because..."
NOTE: The response "Because I was born here" (or any variation thereof) will NOT be accepted.

By submitting this questionnaire, I hereby relinquish my right to habeas corpus and all other supposed rights afforded me by the Bill Of Rights. If I am a citizen of the United States and I submit this form, I acknowledge that the Department of Justice and/or the FBI may use this information to arrive at the conclusion that I am some kind of pinko, commie, freedom-hating towel-headed homo who deserves to get a steel-tipped federal jackboot shoved up my treacherous ass, so help me John Ashcroft.

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*The Department of Justice would like to thank Jolene Cornsilk of Keota, OK for this inspired suggestion.

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