Are you a clear-thinking, sensible citizen with a good command of
history and world events? Do you generally get along with people, even if your interests are opposed?
Do you have good leadership skills, and acknowledge that up is up and left is, in fact, left? If so,
today's U.S diplomatic corps may NOT be for you. But if you possess the essential skills of metaphorical bridge
burning, selective rationality, arrogant provincialism, and regurgitating laughably nonsensical talking points
ad nauseum, then you're a perfect candidate for a career at the US State Department!
I'm Condoleezza Rice, and although my tenure as Secretary of State has been noteworthy primarily for my penchant
for dressing up like Catwoman at a BDSM convention, I'm proud to offer this comprehensive lesson on the foreign
policy dos and don'ts which help me make America so intensely beloved all over the world!
Lesson #1: A centuries-old blood feud between Jews and Muslims threatens to
spiral out of control, engulfing the entire Middle East in vicious bloodshed, and culminating in the eruption of
an all-out nuclear World War III.
Lesson #2: A mustachioed Middle Eastern leader and former CIA puppet
spends his days writing romance novels after decades of war and U.N. sanctions have rendered his once-formidable
army a harmless shambles and reduced his people to abject poverty.
- DO: Totally ignore the building crisis for a minimum of five years,
thereby setting the stage for religious extremists on both sides of the abyss to seize political power and foment
radicalism and hatred.
- DO: Gaze on in perplexed wonder as the situation deteriorates
into a multi-front regional war, then demonstrate your moral authority to negotiate peace by
subsidizing the sale of highly sophisticated weaponry to the side that is predisposed to launching wildly disproportionate
- DO NOT: Sully the spirit and effectiveness of Bush-era
diplomacy by actually stooping to engage in dialogue with all parties involved. Everyone knows that conversing
with persons with whom you disagree is tantamount to publicly deep-throating a succession of fat homo cocks.
Lesson #3: The leader of a country whose people look like Chineses (and speak in a
similar-sounding gobbledy-gook) possesses an arsenal of long-range ballistic missiles, equipped with nuclear warheads,
that are pointed at the U.S. and ready for launch at a moment's notice.
- DO: Build him up in the media as an evil genius with
his finger on the button of a Nukepox Laser Deathray set to sizzle every last American suburban stripmall,
and convince the heartland that a vile horde of swarthy A-rabs is rowing their way to
American shores intent on double-penetrating their blond-haired Christian daughters.
- DO: Invoke theatrical imagery such as mushroom clouds
and smoking American cities in order to frighten voters enough to endorse the President's plan to march
a never-ending stream of still-pubescent teens into the voracious gaping maw of the military industrial complex
- DO NOT: Demand that sanctions be dropped and the U.N.
inspectors be permitted to continue their successful efforts to keep WMDs out of said leader's hands, or
remind the public that your boss is nursing a personal vendetta against said defenseless figurehead on account
of that mean old Arabiac once tried to hurt his daddy.
Lesson #4: A series of top-secret intelligence memos reveal that a prominent
international terrorist is actively planning to strike the United States sometime after the summer of 2001 –
likely using commercial airliners – from his base of operations in Afghanistan.
- DO: Summarily ignore the deranged and aggressive tyrant for
over half a decade. When he threatens to level an American city in a nuclear inferno, respond with milquetoast language
and vague assurances that such a catastrophic attack "would be taken with utmost seriousness."
- DO: Entangle American troops in an intractable quagmire in the
aforementioned mustachioed leader's country, allowing said Chinese-looking leader to expand his nuclear
weapons program unchecked. This will enable America to avoid ever setting the unimaginably foolish precedent
of provoking an unwinnable war in Southeast Asia.
- DO NOT: Assemble a bona fide multinational coalition
to delicately yet firmly negotiate a nonproliferation treaty using a combination of carrots and sticks.
Everyone knows that real diplomacy is for pussies.
Lesson #5: The popular socialist leader of a major South American oil producing country
has been rattling the President for years, ridiculing him at every turn. To make our Godly President look bad, this Latino-Rican
madman even had the nefarious audacity to offer free heating oil to overtaxed poor Americans during the winter.
- DO: Denounce the previous President's proactive bombings
on said Afghanistan terror camps as a cheap political stunt to distract the public from its protracted and lusty
gazing at his crotch.
- DO: Prepare a speech for delivery on the day of the attack which
addresses the mega-important issue of relaunching President Reagan's anti-Soviet "Star Wars" initiative. Later,
pooh-pooh the significance of the memos during
- DO NOT: Direct America's military to discontinue preparations to
attack the aforementioned mustachioed eunuch, or change your own plans to follow the President's lead by promptly departing for
a month-long summer vacation.
- DO: Portray him as a threat to global stability, to be dealt with harshly
just as soon as our military is no longer stretched past the breaking point – which could be any day now.
- DO: Continue to publicly purport America's steadfast belief in
Democracy, while simultaneously exploring options to run that uppity spic's ass out of town by staging a CIA black-ops coup.
- DO NOT: Indicate any knowledge of any assassination
plot, even when it's indiscreetly revealed by one of your most fervent McJesus Taliban supporters.