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THE WHITE HOUSE
Are you a clear-thinking, sensible citizen with a good command of history and world events? Do you generally get along with people, even if your interests are opposed? Do you have good leadership skills, and acknowledge that up is up and left is, in fact, left? If so, today's U.S diplomatic corps may NOT be for you. But if you possess the essential skills of metaphorical bridge burning, selective rationality, arrogant provincialism, and regurgitating laughably nonsensical talking points ad nauseum, then you're a perfect candidate for a career at the US State Department!

I'm Condoleezza Rice, and although my tenure as Secretary of State has been noteworthy primarily for my penchant for dressing up like Catwoman at a BDSM convention, I'm proud to offer this comprehensive lesson on the foreign policy dos and don'ts which help me make America so intensely beloved all over the world!

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Lesson #1: A centuries-old blood feud between Jews and Muslims threatens to spiral out of control, engulfing the entire Middle East in vicious bloodshed, and culminating in the eruption of an all-out nuclear World War III.
  • DO: Totally ignore the building crisis for a minimum of five years, thereby setting the stage for religious extremists on both sides of the abyss to seize political power and foment radicalism and hatred.

  • DO: Gaze on in perplexed wonder as the situation deteriorates into a multi-front regional war, then demonstrate your moral authority to negotiate peace by subsidizing the sale of highly sophisticated weaponry to the side that is predisposed to launching wildly disproportionate retaliatory attacks.

  • DO NOT: Sully the spirit and effectiveness of Bush-era diplomacy by actually stooping to engage in dialogue with all parties involved. Everyone knows that conversing with persons with whom you disagree is tantamount to publicly deep-throating a succession of fat homo cocks.
Lesson #2: A mustachioed Middle Eastern leader and former CIA puppet spends his days writing romance novels after decades of war and U.N. sanctions have rendered his once-formidable army a harmless shambles and reduced his people to abject poverty.
  • DO: Build him up in the media as an evil genius with his finger on the button of a Nukepox Laser Deathray set to sizzle every last American suburban stripmall, and convince the heartland that a vile horde of swarthy A-rabs is rowing their way to American shores intent on double-penetrating their blond-haired Christian daughters.

  • DO: Invoke theatrical imagery such as mushroom clouds and smoking American cities in order to frighten voters enough to endorse the President's plan to march a never-ending stream of still-pubescent teens into the voracious gaping maw of the military industrial complex meat grinder.

  • DO NOT: Demand that sanctions be dropped and the U.N. inspectors be permitted to continue their successful efforts to keep WMDs out of said leader's hands, or remind the public that your boss is nursing a personal vendetta against said defenseless figurehead on account of that mean old Arabiac once tried to hurt his daddy.
Lesson #3: The leader of a country whose people look like Chineses (and speak in a similar-sounding gobbledy-gook) possesses an arsenal of long-range ballistic missiles, equipped with nuclear warheads, that are pointed at the U.S. and ready for launch at a moment's notice.
  • DO: Summarily ignore the deranged and aggressive tyrant for over half a decade. When he threatens to level an American city in a nuclear inferno, respond with milquetoast language and vague assurances that such a catastrophic attack "would be taken with utmost seriousness."

  • DO: Entangle American troops in an intractable quagmire in the aforementioned mustachioed leader's country, allowing said Chinese-looking leader to expand his nuclear weapons program unchecked. This will enable America to avoid ever setting the unimaginably foolish precedent of provoking an unwinnable war in Southeast Asia.

  • DO NOT: Assemble a bona fide multinational coalition to delicately yet firmly negotiate a nonproliferation treaty using a combination of carrots and sticks. Everyone knows that real diplomacy is for pussies.
Lesson #4: A series of top-secret intelligence memos reveal that a prominent international terrorist is actively planning to strike the United States sometime after the summer of 2001 – likely using commercial airliners – from his base of operations in Afghanistan.
  • DO: Denounce the previous President's proactive bombings on said Afghanistan terror camps as a cheap political stunt to distract the public from its protracted and lusty gazing at his crotch.

  • DO: Prepare a speech for delivery on the day of the attack which addresses the mega-important issue of relaunching President Reagan's anti-Soviet "Star Wars" initiative. Later, pooh-pooh the significance of the memos during Congressional testimony.

  • DO NOT: Direct America's military to discontinue preparations to attack the aforementioned mustachioed eunuch, or change your own plans to follow the President's lead by promptly departing for a month-long summer vacation.
Lesson #5: The popular socialist leader of a major South American oil producing country has been rattling the President for years, ridiculing him at every turn. To make our Godly President look bad, this Latino-Rican madman even had the nefarious audacity to offer free heating oil to overtaxed poor Americans during the winter.
  • DO: Portray him as a threat to global stability, to be dealt with harshly just as soon as our military is no longer stretched past the breaking point – which could be any day now.

  • DO: Continue to publicly purport America's steadfast belief in Democracy, while simultaneously exploring options to run that uppity spic's ass out of town by staging a CIA black-ops coup.

  • DO NOT: Indicate any knowledge of any assassination plot, even when it's indiscreetly revealed by one of your most fervent McJesus Taliban supporters.

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