THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I'm going to be brief. Yesterday, Hollywood Scientologist and homosexual rights activist Tom Cruise maligned our perfect, infallible nation by openly expressing some negative thoughts to the foreign press. He said that the United States terrifies him, and that he wants his children to be brought up in Australia - a barren island of ex-cons, atheists, and kangaroo fetishists.

A dear friend of mine, radio personality Sean Hannity, strongly believes that, just like a cancer must be removed from a body to keep it healthy, Tom Cruise should be removed from America to keep us pure. My Baptist Pastor told me that he would like to see Tom Cruise crucifed on the front lawn of the White House. "That liberal should be left to rot on a stick," he said, "to serve as a deterrent to other so-called Americans who should think twice before they run off talking trash against God's Country!" Well, since crucifixion is not one of the legal ways our government is allowed to kill its citizens, and we are still getting thousands of e-mails and phone calls demanding we do something about this Tom Cruise situation - we have committed ourselves to taking decisive action.

A little known Congressional act from 1843 states that "whereupon a petition is signed for the removal of an individual citizenship, and that petition contains no less than 50,000 signatures by registered citizens of the United States, the citizenship of the individual shall be removed and that citizen shall be escorted out of the country by military force no less than 24 hours after the last signature is verified." And since Mr. Cruise would prefer that his children live outside our borders, I think I speak for all decent-minded Americans when I say that he is welcome to join them! Simply put, we don't want his kind!

Let's do this folks. Let's show the rest of the world that we are not going to stand by and have someone imply that America is full of dangerous fanatics. This is your vote, so send us your signature. We'll keep this open until we get enough to take legal action.

I trust that together, we will quickly secure the needed signatures, at which time this administration will deport Mr. Cruise's chiseled, lizard-worshipping ass straight to the Gomorrah of the outback!

Thank you, and God Bless.

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