UPDATE: Governor Ridge Formally Launches O.M.P.T. - Click Here to Read Details! -
Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo is NOW UNDERWAY! Skilled Federal Tattoo Technicians have established
kiosks at bankrupt K-Mart stores in YOUR area. By authority of Presidential Executive Order #13251-B, local liberal media outlets across
America have been ordered to assist with the coordination of tattooing the populace. Contact your local FOX NEWS
affiliate to determine when YOU must report to be emblazoned with the only proof of patriotism that is recognized by the United States government.
Option 1: The Palm
Option 2: The Arm
Option 3: The Chest
ABOUT OPERATION MANDATORY PATRIOTIC TATTOO: As part of the Office of Homeland Security's broad, discretionary power to enact any and all initiatives which may or may not
prove effective in America's ongoing fight against terrorism, Governor Tom Ridge has unilaterally
passed into law legislation requiring American citizens to obtain an exciting
new breed of tattoo. Modeled on the ubiquitous Universal Product Code (UPC), the Subcutaneous Patriotic
Intelligence Tattoo System (SPITS) acts as both a unique identifier and a satellite-trackable global positioning
device, enabling the wearer to rest easy in the knowledge that s/he is quantifiable, qualifiable and
locatable by the federal government at all times.
Every American will have their choice of any of the three exciting SPITS executions pictured at left,
applied under sterile conditions by Federally appointed tattoo technicians - beginning in early February, 2003.
All citizens will be afforded ample opportunity to affirm their patriotism by proudly submitting to this
brief and only mildly excrutiating procedure. Any and all able-bodied persons who miss the mandatory tatooing
deadline of July 4, 2003 will be subject to fines up to $75,000 and/or terms of medium security imprisonment no
shorter than 2 calendar years. The Office of Homeland Security strongly urges any individuals who oppose this
right-minded defense program to overcome said opposition, thereby assuring uneventful compliance and significantly
reduced post-procedural trauma.
Answers to frequently asked questions about this operation can be found in the grey sidebar to the right.