Whitehouse.org is the officious web site for the White House and President George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States.



UPDATE: Governor Ridge Formally Launches O.M.P.T. - Click Here to Read Details! - Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo is NOW UNDERWAY! Skilled Federal Tattoo Technicians have established kiosks at bankrupt K-Mart stores in YOUR area. By authority of Presidential Executive Order #13251-B, local liberal media outlets across America have been ordered to assist with the coordination of tattooing the populace. Contact your local FOX NEWS affiliate to determine when YOU must report to be emblazoned with the only proof of patriotism that is recognized by the United States government.

Option 1: The Palm

Option 2: The Arm

Option 3: The Chest

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ABOUT OPERATION MANDATORY PATRIOTIC TATTOO: As part of the Office of Homeland Security's broad, discretionary power to enact any and all initiatives which may or may not prove effective in America's ongoing fight against terrorism, Governor Tom Ridge has unilaterally passed into law legislation requiring American citizens to obtain an exciting new breed of tattoo. Modeled on the ubiquitous Universal Product Code (UPC), the Subcutaneous Patriotic Intelligence Tattoo System (SPITS) acts as both a unique identifier and a satellite-trackable global positioning device, enabling the wearer to rest easy in the knowledge that s/he is quantifiable, qualifiable and locatable by the federal government at all times.

Every American will have their choice of any of the three exciting SPITS executions pictured at left, applied under sterile conditions by Federally appointed tattoo technicians - beginning in early February, 2003.

All citizens will be afforded ample opportunity to affirm their patriotism by proudly submitting to this brief and only mildly excrutiating procedure. Any and all able-bodied persons who miss the mandatory tatooing deadline of July 4, 2003 will be subject to fines up to $75,000 and/or terms of medium security imprisonment no shorter than 2 calendar years. The Office of Homeland Security strongly urges any individuals who oppose this right-minded defense program to overcome said opposition, thereby assuring uneventful compliance and significantly reduced post-procedural trauma.

Answers to frequently asked questions about this operation can be found in the grey sidebar to the right.

Frequently Asked Questions
OHS is pleased to provide answers to frequently asked questions about Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo:
Q: Is it true that every American will have to get a tattoo?
A: Yes. Every last man, woman, child, and gender-ambiguous freak.
Q: Can the government really require that I get a tattoo?
A: Yes. President Bush has granted Governor Ridge unprecedented wartime powers which allow OHS to function not unlike an autonomous totalitarian state.
Q: My pastor says this is the mark of the beast. Is it?
A: No. Your "pastor" is spreading treasonous lies. Report him to the FBI.
Q: What if my religion forbids me to get a tattoo?
A: You are strongly advised to convert to a different, more patriotic religion.

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