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THE WHITE HOUSE
UNITED STATES OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY

CURRENT OHS INITIATIVES:
ARAB & MUSLIM REGISTRATION:
ATTENTION ALL MALE ARAB & MUSLIM IMMIGRANTS, STUDENTS & TOURISTS: If you have not yet reported for mandatory interrogation and cataloguing by the Immigration & Naturalization Service, you may now opt instead to plead your innocence by registering with the Department of Homeland Security over the Internet. Learn More! >>
THE TERRORIST READING LIST:
Librarians! Citizens! Be advised that terrorists are easily identified by their chosen reading material. Please study this list of terrorist-preferred volumes - and promptly report any persons you may encounter reading them to FBI Terror Literature specialists!
Learn More >>
ARABIAC INTERROGATION GUIDELINES:
Peruse kinder, gentler guidelines for the non-torture of maybe-probably-terrorist trash, containing Federally-approved techniques for keeping America safe from marauding hordes of swarthy FREEDOM®-haters.
Learn More! >>
THE FOREIGN CAR BUYER DATABASE:
The scene is familiar to TV-watching Americans: psychopathic and heavily armed Sand People speeding across desert wastelands in decrepit pickup trucks. These sub-humans are "terrorists," and their vehicles of choice are invariably foreign-made. As such, every foreign car buyer must be tracked. Learn More! >>
SECURING AMERICA'S BORDERS:
Learn about President Bush's genius plan to implement the "Sombrero Loophole" border security system, thereby enabling America's corporations to enjoy plentiful, union-busting Mexican labor in exchange for the occasional New York City skyscraper.
Learn More! >>
OPERATION MANDATORY PATRIOTIC TATTOO:
Modeled on the ubiquitous Universal Product Code (UPC), the Subcutaneous Patriotic Intelligence Tattoo System (SPITS) acts as both a unique identifier and a satellite-trackable global positioning device, enabling the wearer to rest easy in the knowledge that s/he is locatable at all times.
Learn More! >>
OPERATION TIPS ANONYMOUS LEAD FORMS:
Aspiring citizen informants are directed to make use of The Operation Tips Anonymous Lead Form. Print out and complete as many copies as may be required to focus the searing light of justice on every last America-hating miscreant in your community.
Learn More! >>




 TODAY'S OUTLOOK:
- Fearmonger Index: 9.4
- High-pressure Arab-bashing systems moving across the great plains
- 12.7% chance of early morning thermonuclear bombardment
- Scattered evening media-fueled bioterror panics
Essential Reading
Be vigilant! The enemy is all around. Americans observing any of the following are hereby commanded to contact the FBI immediately:
- Brown-skinned persons conversing in heated jibberish
- Turban-wearing persons demonstrating emotions other than all-American bliss and contentment
- Sidewalk falafel vendors of ambiguous ethnicity who are unwilling to make change for a fifty
- Arabic store owners or cab drivers who have not begun prominently displaying at least 3 American flags
- Middle Eastern persons who become visibly uncomfortable and/or upset when confronted with your suspicious and hostile stares
- Burka-clad transvestites


BEHOLD! Quality Books From the Writers of WHITEHOUSE.ORG, Landover Baptist & Betty Bowers: