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Domestic Import Owner

The Foreign Car Buyer Database in Action

Immigrant Import Owners

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The scene is a now-familiar one to millions of decent, TV-watching Americans: psychopathic and heavily armed Sand People speeding across the desert wastelands of the Middle East in decrepit, dented pickup trucks. These unwashed sub-humans are "terrorists," and their vehicles of choice are invariably foreign-made. Yes - unimaginable as it may seem, their intense ignorance and hatred of the United States blinds these Godless buffoons to the overwhelming superiority of vehicles produced by the Big Two (formerly "The Big Three" - before Chrysler got in bed with Nazis). Which is all to say... TERRORISTS DON'T BUY DOMESTIC!

Having recognized this direct and conspicuous link between terrorism and foreign car ownership, the Office of Homeland Security has undertaken an essential and ambitious initiative: The Foreign Car Buyer Database (FCDB). This cutting-edge super-computer will contain the names, addresses, and DNA profiles of every foreign car buyer in the United States, and will be an invaluable tool in the domestic fight against terror. Once completed in the spring of 2002, the FCDB will be used extensively by the Federal Bureau of Investigations, which will dispatch upwards of 15,000 agents nationwide to interrogate each person (and his/her family) who appears on the FCDB's comprehensive list of potential terrorists.

In anticipation of this colossal effort, the Office of Homeland Security has ordered that all foreign car dealerships be shuttered no later than March 15, 2002 - and that their proprietors be taken into custody and their sales records seized, processed, and incorporated into the FCDB mainframe.

The OHS looks forward to continuing to make America a safer place by any means necessary, and looks forward to your presumed continued complacency.

Answers to frequently asked questions about this operation can be found in the grey sidebar to the right.

Frequently Asked Questions
OHS is pleased to provide answers to frequently asked questions about The Foreign Car Buyer Database:
Q: My neighbors recently bought a foreign car. Are they terrorists?
A: Quite possibly. Contact your local authorities and urge them to investigate this suspicious activity.
Q: My car is a foreign brand, but was produced at an American factory. Will I be listed in the database?
A: Yes. At this time, foreign car factories on American soil are considered potential terrorist training facilities. You are guilty of supporting them.
Q: Which foreign car buyers are exempt from suspicion?
A: Owners of premium luxury brands - such as Lexus, BMW, Jaguar, and Maserati - will be presumed sufficiently wealthy to merit exemption from interrogation.

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