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THE WHITE HOUSE


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For over two hundred years, The White House has stood as a symbol of decency and wholesomeness to hard-working, freedom-loving people all across Middle America.

Construction on this hallowed residence began in 1792 and ended amongst much patriotic fanfare in 1800. Though never inhabited by George Washington himself, The White House was nevertheless conceived by the Father of Our Nation as a Holy Fortress from which to guard against the tyranny of "big government" and "social programs" while tirelessly promoting the essential freedom of completely unregulated commercial enterprise.

Many of our nation's greatest men have resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, where they have steered our country away from Godless anarchy, and into the rainbow-hued horizon of steadfast social morality. From the magnificent Andrew Jackson, who liberated the Indians from themselves, to Grant, whose administration was the very definition of moral character, to Dwight Eisenhower, who single-handedly defeated Nazism - all of these great men called one place home and sanctuary: The White House.

More recently, The White House served as refuge to embattled Cold Warrior and Voice of the Silent Majority, President Richard Milhous Nixon, who successfully skippered this great national supertanker of ours through the rocky and dangerous Straights of Moral Collapse. Nixon, ever the paragon of honesty and fair play, would go on to nobly sacrifice his career so that another brilliant soul, Gerald Ford, might continue the work of saving a valium-popping, sexually promiscuous nation from the greedy clutches of tax-and-spend liberals.

Some years later, The White House would stand witness as the great moral crusader Ronald Reagan would crush the evil Soviet Empire from the Oval Office, and re-invent what it means to portray an honest, faith-loving American. President Reagan would also spearhead the establishment of the beloved "National Nap Hour," from whose ethereal dreamscape would spring the utterly necessary National Missile Defense System. This system, for which he coined the term "Star Wars," will save untold American lives in the very likely event of nuclear missile attacks by the entire world.

Reagan's brilliant crusade was carried on by George Bush, who succeeded in creating a world where children with terminal illnesses could be transported to hospitals in ambulances running on a limitless supply of Kuwaiti petroleum. President Bush's forward-thinking new world was also one in which the rulers of extremist Muslim wastelands would come to know that tyranny has consequences - up to and including almost being stopped from perpetrating genocide against ones own citizens.

The newest resident to occupy 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is George W. Bush, the son of George Bush, who is once again carrying on the tradition of Christian moral superiority and short-winded speeches lovingly crafted by others to inspire the perception of competence.

As an American, you can be proud that The White House has been the seat of power to two centuries worth of the aforementioned geniuses, each of whom succeeded brilliantly at leading this great nation by appealing to the most moral, honest, and fiscally comfortable white people of their times.

Let us not forget the words of the immortal conservationist Teddy Roosevelt: "I shall call this place in all truth 'The White House,' lest it otherwise be called 'The Inferior Primitive Negroid Savage House,' which was certainly not our Forefathers' intention."



Ronald Reagan's Letters

Presidential Firsts:

  • President John Adams was the first President to live in the White House.

  • President John Tyler was the first President to have his photograph taken.

  • President Theodore Roosevelt was the first President to ride in an automobile.

  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the first so-called President to embezzle hard-earned taxpayer dollars during the creation of a welfare state.

  • "President" Lyndon Johnson frequently conducted business in the Oval Office with his genitals hanging out of his pants.

  • Ronald Reagan was the first President to be contacted directly by Our Lord Jesus Christ while in the White House.

  • Jimmy Carter was the first mentally retarded President.

  • Bill Clinton was the first imposter to institute a "barefoot and tank top only" policy inside the White House.

  • George W. Bush was the first President to selflessly carry crippled South American nuns on his back from the West Wing all the way to the South Lawn.


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