So it was with some surprise this week that I noticed how in addition to the regular Henny-Penny sob stories about soldiers dying and old folks
being too poor to afford Excedrin, there were also oodles and oodles of cranklepusses getting all worked up over Christmas!
And well, since Jenna's stomach has already been pumped today, my afternoon is freed up, and so I thought it might be fun to actually
respond to a few of these darling little e-maily things. So here we go!
Well that was fun! I hope everybody has a wonderful Christ-X!
SUBJECT: Keep Jesus Christ in Christmas
NAME: Mrs. Jamie Croner
MESSAGE: Please continue to keep Jesus Christ in Christmas, it is His birthday and the only reason for the season!
Dear Mrs. Croner,
My, what a lovely and oh-so-original rhyme! What an amazing coincidence that you and nearly 500 other
people sent this same exact message! Yes, Jesus is the reason for the season. As my spiritual advisor
Mrs. Betty Bowers says, "It's always important to know whom to blame."
In one of those book things I make sure I am reading whenever Bushie looks covetously at my lady parts, it said
that the ancient Babylonians believed the son of the queen of heaven was born on December 25th. Isn't that just
the cutest coincydink? And mummy's the word ;) – but the Egyptians celebrated the birth of the son of
the fertility goddess Isis on the same date! Goodness me, you'd think that the Babylonians and Egyptians could
come up with their own holidays without plagiarizing the historical truths of the 100% totally error-free and
original Christian Bible!
In any event, the pagans have had more than their share of using Christmas as an excuse to go shopping, so I don't
know why they're still so obsessed with us using it. It really infuriates me that pagans are trying to snatch
back a holiday we stole from them 2,000 years ago fair and square.
- Mrs. Bush
SUBJECT: the people's tree?
NAME: tommy Plidgen
MESSAGE: Dear Mr. President,
When did the christians in this society have to start calling the christmas tree, the people's tree? We say Happy
Haunaka, Happy Kwansa, and I know these are misspelled, we light the mennorraha if we are Jewish, why cant our
country what was founded on christianity not be able to say we are lighting the christmas tree. When did my rights
not matter anymore? I feel it is time the christians start taking a stand and demand our rights, don't you? Please help
us remind the people up there that we the christians changed the face of the election this year, and hope to continue
to press for our rights. Thank You Sir
Dear Mr. Plidgen,
You must be that child left behind everyone keeps talking about. And all this time I thought it was one of mine! LOL!
In any event, this is just one more example of the ungrateful attitude of the pagans Jesus was kind enough to allow
to live in His country called America. You would think that those idol worshippers in Northern Europe called the
Druids would be flattered that early Christians stole their pagan decorated tree tradition to celebrate the completely
original and historically accurate virgin birth of Jesus, wouldn't you? But no, they want to have credit just
because it was their idea! Typical Europeans!
Did you know that the original Americans – the Puritans – banned Christmas trees because they were considered
pagan? So clearly, the tradition of being secular humanists – even if you are the zealoty, rabid, angry Christians
kind – who poop on everyone's Christmas started very early, in Massachusetts no less!
- Mrs. George W. Bush
SUBJECT: merry christmas
NAME: suzanne reese
MESSAGE: i am very upset at what i a m hearing about not being allowed to use merry christmas in christmas carols
and greetings. this is infringing on my rights. i can not believe that more of our christianity is being taken away
from us. it has to stop. our military is serving and dying in countries to tach them christianity and we are losing
those right here in the usa. please.do what you can to stop this or tell me what i can do . thank you.
It is a burden the Lord Jesus has asked us to bear, dear. Being a persecuted minority of 90% of the population is
never easy. Especially when the remaining 10% willfully refuse to not be polite enough to act exactly like we
tell them to act. As a Christian, when someone smiles, waves and doesn't greet me with the exact words I demand,
sometimes I feel like beating them to a bloody blob of Christ-hating hamburger meat.
SUBJECT: White House decorations
NAME: William Onnyschut
MESSAGE: The decorations were absolutely beautiful, but my wife and I were greatly dissapointed. because there was nothing
to to be seen about JESUS. After all we are celebrating his birthday.
Dear Mr. Onnyschut,
Believe me, that was not my choice! I had adorned every nook, wall and snowball shaker with the life-size image of
the Lord Jesus. But then my husband walked through the White House and spoke for Christ, as is his wont, complaining,
"Everything makes me look fat and colored." Needless to say, we had to take everything down and place it in storage
(at the Cheney's). Next year, I'm having everything Photoshopped before Thanksgiving.
PS - You may take some small comfort in the knowledge that in the private White House family quarters, we will
be reenacting the birth of our Savior with the help of a pregnant Jewish thirteen year-old in the grips of a chemically-induced
labor, calculated to extrude the baby Jesus surrogate into a punchbowl of eggnogg at precisely midnight on Christmas eve. To heck
with that "Separation of Church & State" flapdoodle – it's an old Bush family tradition we just can't
SUBJECT: Christ out of Christmas
NAME: Paul Brady
MESSAGE: I would like to take this opportunity to request a few things as a RED BLOODED, American Veteran.
In the past few years, there has been a steady decline in what we call American Traditions do in part to the
continued attack of NON-American, or those that put any other affiliation in front of "American", (ie, Arab-American,
African-American, German-American,etc.) WE are the core of this nation, and WE celebrate CHRISTMAS! For all of these folks that are trying to
change our foundation, through people that lack the morality of a jackle, I
personnally feel that there should be a lawsuit that reinstates our God into the court rooms, as well as the necessity
to take an oath with the left hand on the Bible and the right bearing conviction. I feel that if foriegners wish to come
into this country, they should abide by our laws, and practice whatever religon they want, as long as they don't try
and change the foundation of ours.
Thanks, and God Bless
Amen to that! That is why I am asking all Real Americans to join me in removing every copy of that dreadful Constitution
thing from libraries, schools and courthouses throughout this Godly country. I think once people realize it was written by
someone who called our Christian Bible a "dunghill" (brown sugar addict Thomas Jefferson), they will completely lose
interest in that troublesome document that seems to delight in undermining my hubby's policies at every turn.
- Your First Lady
SUBJECT: How Do I Contact The White House
NAME: Laurie G. Herbert
MESSAGE: How do I contact the appropriate personnel in the White House to find out how I can volunteer to decorate
the White House for Christmas 2005.
Thank you for including a sample of your work. What a lovely example of how lime-green velvet and fire engine red corduroy
can be used to make a calico kitten nativity! Unfortunately for you, we have no "volunteers" for Christmas decoration.
It is all subcontracted out to Halliburton. And they already hired Marge Davis
for $34,750.45/ hour. And I must say, it sure takes her a dickens of a long time to string
a simple strand of popcorn!