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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - December 21, 2004 - 5:17 P.M. (EST)


THE FIRST LADY: Hello, and Happy Holidays! Oh, I mean "Merry Christ-X!" A lot of vile, blue state pagans X out the word Christ in Christmas, but here at the White House, if we X out anything it's going to be the Roman Catholic Mary Worshipping "Mass" part! So take that, you old, un-American Iraq-War-scoffing Pope in Rome!

You know here at the White House, we receive so very many e-mails. Why, you just wouldn't believe the number of poor misguided fools who actually believe my hubby and I have the faintest interest in our own opinions, let along their ignorant prattle! But while 99% of their little letters get delivered straight to the shredder (Barney), I do sometimes like to get a chuckle by reading a few during my before-afternoon-nap pack of unfiltered ciggies and Big-Gulp Gilberts vodka Slurpee.

So it was with some surprise this week that I noticed how in addition to the regular Henny-Penny sob stories about soldiers dying and old folks being too poor to afford Excedrin, there were also oodles and oodles of cranklepusses getting all worked up over Christmas! And well, since Jenna's stomach has already been pumped today, my afternoon is freed up, and so I thought it might be fun to actually respond to a few of these darling little e-maily things. So here we go!

DATE: 12/21
SUBJECT: Keep Jesus Christ in Christmas
NAME: Mrs. Jamie Croner
MESSAGE: Please continue to keep Jesus Christ in Christmas, it is His birthday and the only reason for the season!

Dear Mrs. Croner,

My, what a lovely and oh-so-original rhyme! What an amazing coincidence that you and nearly 500 other people sent this same exact message! Yes, Jesus is the reason for the season. As my spiritual advisor Mrs. Betty Bowers says, "It's always important to know whom to blame."

In one of those book things I make sure I am reading whenever Bushie looks covetously at my lady parts, it said that the ancient Babylonians believed the son of the queen of heaven was born on December 25th. Isn't that just the cutest coincydink? And mummy's the word ;) – but the Egyptians celebrated the birth of the son of the fertility goddess Isis on the same date! Goodness me, you'd think that the Babylonians and Egyptians could come up with their own holidays without plagiarizing the historical truths of the 100% totally error-free and original Christian Bible!

In any event, the pagans have had more than their share of using Christmas as an excuse to go shopping, so I don't know why they're still so obsessed with us using it. It really infuriates me that pagans are trying to snatch back a holiday we stole from them 2,000 years ago fair and square. DEAR DUBYA

Yours Sincerely,

- Mrs. Bush

DATE: 12/17
SUBJECT: the people's tree?
NAME: tommy Plidgen
MESSAGE: Dear Mr. President,
When did the christians in this society have to start calling the christmas tree, the people's tree? We say Happy Haunaka, Happy Kwansa, and I know these are misspelled, we light the mennorraha if we are Jewish, why cant our country what was founded on christianity not be able to say we are lighting the christmas tree. When did my rights not matter anymore? I feel it is time the christians start taking a stand and demand our rights, don't you? Please help us remind the people up there that we the christians changed the face of the election this year, and hope to continue to press for our rights. Thank You Sir

Dear Mr. Plidgen,

You must be that child left behind everyone keeps talking about. And all this time I thought it was one of mine! LOL!

In any event, this is just one more example of the ungrateful attitude of the pagans Jesus was kind enough to allow to live in His country called America. You would think that those idol worshippers in Northern Europe called the Druids would be flattered that early Christians stole their pagan decorated tree tradition to celebrate the completely original and historically accurate virgin birth of Jesus, wouldn't you? But no, they want to have credit just because it was their idea! Typical Europeans!

Did you know that the original Americans – the Puritans – banned Christmas trees because they were considered pagan? So clearly, the tradition of being secular humanists – even if you are the zealoty, rabid, angry Christians kind – who poop on everyone's Christmas started very early, in Massachusetts no less!

Yours Sincerely,

- Mrs. George W. Bush

DATE: 12/18
SUBJECT: merry christmas
NAME: suzanne reese
MESSAGE: i am very upset at what i a m hearing about not being allowed to use merry christmas in christmas carols and greetings. this is infringing on my rights. i can not believe that more of our christianity is being taken away from us. it has to stop. our military is serving and dying in countries to tach them christianity and we are losing those right here in the usa. please.do what you can to stop this or tell me what i can do . thank you.

suzanne reece

Dear Suzanne,

It is a burden the Lord Jesus has asked us to bear, dear. Being a persecuted minority of 90% of the population is never easy. Especially when the remaining 10% willfully refuse to not be polite enough to act exactly like we tell them to act. As a Christian, when someone smiles, waves and doesn't greet me with the exact words I demand, sometimes I feel like beating them to a bloody blob of Christ-hating hamburger meat.


- Laura

DATE: 12/15
SUBJECT: White House decorations
NAME: William Onnyschut
MESSAGE: The decorations were absolutely beautiful, but my wife and I were greatly dissapointed. because there was nothing to to be seen about JESUS. After all we are celebrating his birthday.
1000's of Stickers & T-Shirts:
Guantanamo Vacation Gear
USA: Jesus Likes Us Best

WHITEHOUSE.ORG BUMPER STICKERS I Support Quasi-Fascist Automotive Fads
Jesus Votes Republican
Patriotastic Bumper Stickers

America Doesn't Torture: Freedom Tickles Get the Job Done
Amazing Patriotic Posters

Dear Mr. Onnyschut,

Believe me, that was not my choice! I had adorned every nook, wall and snowball shaker with the life-size image of the Lord Jesus. But then my husband walked through the White House and spoke for Christ, as is his wont, complaining, "Everything makes me look fat and colored." Needless to say, we had to take everything down and place it in storage (at the Cheney's). Next year, I'm having everything Photoshopped before Thanksgiving.



PS - You may take some small comfort in the knowledge that in the private White House family quarters, we will be reenacting the birth of our Savior with the help of a pregnant Jewish thirteen year-old in the grips of a chemically-induced labor, calculated to extrude the baby Jesus surrogate into a punchbowl of eggnogg at precisely midnight on Christmas eve. To heck with that "Separation of Church & State" flapdoodle – it's an old Bush family tradition we just can't part with!

DATE: 12/21
SUBJECT: Christ out of Christmas
NAME: Paul Brady
MESSAGE: I would like to take this opportunity to request a few things as a RED BLOODED, American Veteran. In the past few years, there has been a steady decline in what we call American Traditions do in part to the continued attack of NON-American, or those that put any other affiliation in front of "American", (ie, Arab-American, African-American, German-American,etc.) WE are the core of this nation, and WE celebrate CHRISTMAS! For all of these folks that are trying to change our foundation, through people that lack the morality of a jackle, I personnally feel that there should be a lawsuit that reinstates our God into the court rooms, as well as the necessity to take an oath with the left hand on the Bible and the right bearing conviction. I feel that if foriegners wish to come into this country, they should abide by our laws, and practice whatever religon they want, as long as they don't try and change the foundation of ours.

Thanks, and God Bless


Dear Paul,

Amen to that! That is why I am asking all Real Americans to join me in removing every copy of that dreadful Constitution thing from libraries, schools and courthouses throughout this Godly country. I think once people realize it was written by someone who called our Christian Bible a "dunghill" (brown sugar addict Thomas Jefferson), they will completely lose interest in that troublesome document that seems to delight in undermining my hubby's policies at every turn.


- Your First Lady

DATE: 12/21
SUBJECT: How Do I Contact The White House
NAME: Laurie G. Herbert
MESSAGE: How do I contact the appropriate personnel in the White House to find out how I can volunteer to decorate the White House for Christmas 2005.

Dear Laurie,

Thank you for including a sample of your work. What a lovely example of how lime-green velvet and fire engine red corduroy can be used to make a calico kitten nativity! Unfortunately for you, we have no "volunteers" for Christmas decoration. It is all subcontracted out to Halliburton. And they already hired Marge Davis for $34,750.45/ hour. And I must say, it sure takes her a dickens of a long time to string a simple strand of popcorn!


- Pickles

Well that was fun! I hope everybody has a wonderful Christ-X!

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