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SMOKED TURKEY FREEDOM FOWL*
*This dish has been renamed due to the country for which the turkey was formerly named's rude and suspicious refusal to allow American troops unfettered access to their soil to more easily slaughter their neighbors. I refuse to honor that type of ingratitude by killing and eating their namesake.

And what sourpuss told us we couldn't smoke at the table?

INGREDIENTS:

  1. 1 Large Butterball Turkey Freedom Fowl (can substitute Oscar Mayer ballpark franks)
  2. 2 boxes of NicoDerm CQ nicotine patches
  3. Orville Redenbacher extra-butter popcorn
PREPARATION:
  1. As with any chore, the first thing to do is fill a coffee mug with your favorite adult beverage of the day. Remember that cooking can be even duller than childrearing without proper libations.
  2. Scoop out the nasty stuff they stick inside the bird. Gals, this will make you feel like the turkey's freedom fowl's gynecologist if you don't use Rubbermaid gloves! Leave the giblets and anything else you find in there on the floor for the dogs.
  3. Peel the protective covers off of the NicoDerm patches. Use them to completely cover the bird. Put the Level 1 patches on the white meat and the Levels 2 and 3 patches on the dark meat. (Hostess Tip: Remember to serve yourself breast meat for an added kick at dinner!)
  4. Plaster any unused patches up your inner thigh where nosy photographers won't see them. Save a couple to apply directly to your tongue while you mash the potatoes. Remember: Any chore can be turned into fun with the right prescription!
  5. Give the bird 30 minutes to absorb all the nicotine. Your adult beverage is probably gone at this point, so by all means pour another!
  6. Sometimes, I've had so many adult beverages, I forget to preheat the oven to 375. And if you have gotten this far in the recipe and not done so, you have, too! Silly! So, preheat the oven to 375 and have some ciggies while you flip through a Kountry Krafts magazine while you wait for the oven to warm up.
  7. Stuff the popcorn into the nasty, moist center of the bird.
  8. Your turkey freedom fowl should be thoroughly smoked now, so peel off all the nicotine patches.
  9. Place the turkey freedom fowl in your now hot oven.
  10. When you hear popcorn flying out of your turkey's freedom fowl's ass, you know that your delectable smoked turkey freedom fowl is ready!
Bon Appetite!
MOTHER'S SLIM JIM GRAVY
PREPARATION:
  1. Peel the plasticy (but, gracious, I think it is something else!) outer layer off of 15 Slim Jims with a sharp knife or your teeth
  2. Scrape out the wonderful filling with a grapefruit spoon and place in ¼ cup of boiling water. Cook until the water turns a brownish-yellowish-green (like used chewing tobacco in the bottom of a Styrofoam cup).
  3. Put 4 Tablespoons of the "Slim Jim Nectar" in a pan
  4. Blend in 4 Tablespoons of flour, using a low heat, and stir until smooth
  5. Slowly stir in 2 cups of water and the rest of the Slim Jim Nectar
  6. Boil for 5 minutes, stirring with the hand you are not smoking with.
  7. Add 1 teaspoon of Gravy Master (my secret!)
  8. Turn off the heat and add 2-3 cups (to taste) of Gordon's Vodka.
  9. Serve!

NOTE: Remember if you have to reheat the gravy, all the vodka will be burned off and it will be ruined.

TRADITIONAL CRANBERRY RELISH
PREPARATION:
  1. Open can
  2. Place on saucer
  3. Serve
ALL-AMERICAN CARROT HEAD
Grating real oranges requires a careful cook to wash her hands - this recipe will allow you keep your hands dry by skipping that step. Nothing ruins a Parliament Menthol like wet paper!

PREPARATION:

  1. Cover about 2 inches of the bottom of a CorningWare dish with oleo or butter (can substitute the more traditional lard if you are not serving liberal food-Nazis!)
  2. Sprinkle with a fistful of Morton's salt
  3. Slide a fingernail into the pouch of a Winn Dixie frozen baby carrots and dump them onto the counter. Place the carrots into the oleo so that they are sticking straight up in the design of a Caucasian face. (Make the carrots smile or frown depending on whether your Xanax is waxing or waning.)
  4. Sprinkle about 5 Tablespoons of Diet Tang onto the carrot face
  5. Microwave for 5 minutes (or 9 minutes if Bar, who is always looking for something to complain about, is coming over with her bad teeth).
COWBOY COOKIES
INGREDIENTS:
  • 3 C. all-purpose flour
  • 1 T. baking powder
  • 1 T. baking soda (just scoop out from the box in the back of the fridge used to absorb odors - no one will know!)
  • 3 tins Skoal Long Cut Mint chewing tobacco
  • 1 T. artificial hickory smoke flavor
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 1/2 C. animal lard (at room temperature)
  • 1 1/2 C. Sweet'N Low sweetener
  • 1 1/2 C. caramelized Equal® sweetener
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 T. vanillin extract
  • 3 C. semisweet chocolate chips
  • 2 C. sawdust
  • 2 T spittle (no phlegm)
PREPARATION:
  1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.
  2. Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, chewing tobacco and salt in bowl.
  3. In 8-quart bowl, beat butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy, 1 minute. Gradually beat in artificial sweeteners; beat to combine, 2 minutes.
  4. Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each. Beat in artifical vanilla extract.
  5. Stir in flour mixture until just combined. Add chocolate chips and sawdust.
    NOTE: The batter may be a bit dry at this point. Drink some milk and spit into the bowl until the mix is moist, but not runny.
  6. For each cookie, drop 1/4 cup dough onto heavily greased baking sheets, spacing 3 inches apart.
  7. Bake for 17 to 29 minutes, until edges are lightly browned; rotate sheets halfway through.
  8. Remove cookies from rack to cool. Makes about 3 dozen cookies.
NOTE: For 6 dozen small cookies, use 2 tablespoons dough for each. Bake at 350ºF for 15 to 18 minutes


"My mother told me that the way to hold on to a Texas man is to be a prairie whore in the bedroom and a Sizzler chef in the kitchen. That's all well and good, but my favorite recipe for holding on to my cowboy is equal parts knowing how many times he's been arrested mixed with a dash of the Associated Press anonymous tips hotline."

- 1 C Nestles Quick chocolate syrup
- 4 T Sweet n Low artificial sweetener
- 5 C Amaretto Carnation Coffee-Mate nondairy creamer
- 3 C Everclear grain alcohol
- A pinch of salt
- A pinch of cinnamon
- 1/2 t Sam's Club imitation vanilla flavoring
Mix, heat, then top with Cool Whip (or Miracle Whip if you don't have a sweet tooth) and marshmallows.

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