|TURKEY FREEDOM FOWL*
*This dish has been renamed due to the country for which the turkey was
formerly named's rude and suspicious refusal to allow American troops unfettered access to
their soil to more easily slaughter their neighbors. I refuse to honor that type of ingratitude by killing and
eating their namesake.
And what sourpuss told us we couldn't smoke at the table?
- 1 Large Butterball
Turkey Freedom Fowl (can substitute Oscar Mayer ballpark franks)
- 2 boxes of NicoDerm CQ nicotine patches
- Orville Redenbacher extra-butter popcorn
- As with any chore, the first thing to do is fill a coffee mug with your
favorite adult beverage of the day. Remember that cooking can be even duller
than childrearing without proper libations.
- Scoop out the nasty stuff they stick inside the bird. Gals, this will
make you feel like the
turkey's freedom fowl's gynecologist if you don't use Rubbermaid
gloves! Leave the giblets and anything else you find in there on the floor
for the dogs.
- Peel the protective covers off of the NicoDerm patches. Use them to
completely cover the bird. Put the Level 1 patches on the white meat and
the Levels 2 and 3 patches on the dark meat. (Hostess Tip: Remember to
serve yourself breast meat for an added kick at dinner!)
- Plaster any unused patches up your inner thigh where nosy photographers
won't see them. Save a couple to apply directly to your tongue while you
mash the potatoes. Remember: Any chore can be turned into fun with the
- Give the bird 30 minutes to absorb all the nicotine. Your adult
beverage is probably gone at this point, so by all means pour another!
- Sometimes, I've had so many adult beverages, I forget to preheat the
oven to 375. And if you have gotten this far in the recipe and not done so,
you have, too! Silly! So, preheat the oven to 375 and have some ciggies
while you flip through a Kountry Krafts magazine while you wait for the oven
to warm up.
- Stuff the popcorn into the nasty, moist center of the bird.
turkey freedom fowl should be thoroughly smoked now, so peel off all the
- Place the
turkey freedom fowl in your now hot oven.
- When you hear popcorn flying out of your
turkey's freedom fowl's ass, you know that
your delectable smoked turkey freedom fowl is ready!
MOTHER'S SLIM JIM GRAVY
- Peel the plasticy (but, gracious, I think it is something else!) outer layer
off of 15 Slim Jims with a sharp knife or your teeth
- Scrape out the wonderful filling with a grapefruit spoon and place in ¼ cup
of boiling water. Cook until the water turns a brownish-yellowish-green
(like used chewing tobacco in the bottom of a Styrofoam cup).
- Put 4 Tablespoons of the "Slim Jim Nectar" in a pan
- Blend in 4 Tablespoons of flour, using a low heat, and stir until smooth
- Slowly stir in 2 cups of water and the rest of the Slim Jim Nectar
- Boil for 5 minutes, stirring with the hand you are not smoking with.
- Add 1 teaspoon of Gravy Master (my secret!)
- Turn off the heat and add 2-3 cups (to taste) of Gordon's Vodka.
NOTE: Remember if you have to reheat the gravy, all the vodka will be burned off
and it will be ruined.
TRADITIONAL CRANBERRY RELISH
- Open can
- Place on saucer
ALL-AMERICAN CARROT HEAD
Grating real oranges requires a careful cook to wash her hands - this recipe
will allow you keep your hands dry by skipping that step. Nothing ruins a
Parliament Menthol like wet paper!
- Cover about 2 inches of the bottom of a CorningWare dish with oleo or butter
(can substitute the more traditional lard if you are not serving liberal food-Nazis!)
- Sprinkle with a fistful of Morton's salt
- Slide a fingernail into the pouch of a Winn Dixie frozen baby carrots and
dump them onto the counter. Place the carrots into the oleo so that they
are sticking straight up in the design of a Caucasian face. (Make the
carrots smile or frown depending on whether your Xanax is waxing or waning.)
- Sprinkle about 5 Tablespoons of Diet Tang onto the carrot face
- Microwave for 5 minutes (or 9 minutes if Bar, who is always looking for
something to complain about, is coming over with her bad teeth).
- 3 C. all-purpose flour
- 1 T. baking powder
- 1 T. baking soda (just scoop out from the box in the back of the fridge used to
absorb odors - no one will know!)
- 3 tins Skoal Long Cut Mint chewing tobacco
- 1 T. artificial hickory smoke flavor
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1 1/2 C. animal lard (at room temperature)
- 1 1/2 C. Sweet'N Low sweetener
- 1 1/2 C. caramelized Equal® sweetener
- 3 eggs
- 1 T. vanillin extract
- 3 C. semisweet chocolate chips
- 2 C. sawdust
- 2 T spittle (no phlegm)
NOTE: For 6 dozen small cookies, use 2 tablespoons dough for each. Bake at 350ºF for 15 to 18 minutes
- Preheat oven to 350ºF.
- Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, chewing tobacco and salt in bowl.
- In 8-quart bowl, beat butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy, 1 minute. Gradually beat
in artificial sweeteners; beat to combine, 2 minutes.
- Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each. Beat in artifical vanilla extract.
- Stir in flour mixture until just combined. Add chocolate chips and sawdust.
NOTE: The batter may be a bit dry at this point. Drink some milk and spit into the bowl until the
mix is moist, but not runny.
- For each cookie, drop 1/4 cup dough onto heavily greased baking sheets, spacing 3 inches apart.
- Bake for 17 to 29 minutes, until edges are lightly browned; rotate sheets halfway through.
- Remove cookies from rack to cool. Makes about 3 dozen cookies.