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THE WHITE HOUSE

For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - July 27, 2006 - 10:57 A.M. (EST)
Laura Bush's Tips to BEAT THE HEAT
Hello friends. Oppressive summer heat got you down? As a Republican Christian, I don't allow anything in my house to submit to the laws of physics. The one exception came about as the result of a nifty little science experiment that Jenna did she was in the 6th Grade. Apparently, alcohol freezes at minus 173° Fahrenheit (NOTE: it freezes quicker in Europe because they use Celsius). This means that liquor is the ONLY beverage you can drink straight out of the freezer. I nevertheless recommend decanting it, as I've lost chunks of my lips on more than a few of those metal thingies left over when you twist the cap off of a plastic liter of Gilbert's gin! LOL!

Anyway, here are my sure-fire solutions for keeping cool during our increasingly sweltering summers, which are in no way related to all that "science" gobleddygook in Al Gore's snoresville documentary!

  • I set the White House thermostats to the temperature of the blood running through my mother-in-law's veins – about 58 degrees. I like to keep the residence cool enough so that the ice in my margarita stays crunchy – even if it takes me a full four minutes to drunk it!

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  • Idle your SUV at a darkened intersection and crank the AC while you unwind with a pack of ciggies and a Reba McEntire CD. While you are cooling down, be on the lookout for New York Times reporters – or ex-boyfriends – and hit the gas for an added burst of Freon goodness!

  • If the air gets stagnant in a hot room, cajole your sluttiest daughter into doing a fan dance! Having someone drunkenly waving 4-foot ostrich feather fans around as she vainly tries to shield her exposed, moist bosom from the leers of drunken congressmen can create a rather pleasing flow of air.

  • Leave all the doors on your wet bar mini-fridges open. You would be surprised how twelve or thirteen refrigerators can cool a corridor!

  • Host a "Gone with the Wind" theme party at your home. Entice colored street urchins (try using teeny-tiny baggies you've filled with confectioner's sugar) to come in and fan all the pretty white ladies during their naps. Keep one light sleeper in every room to makes sure purses aren't lifted by the pickaninnies – or petticoats aren't lifted by Mary Cheney.

  • One of my favorite ways to take the heat off of summer requires no effort at all! Nothing chills a room quicker than icing your husband with a passive aggressive remark – or freezing out your daughters with a year's worth of unreturned phone calls.

  • Running the air-conditioning until half the White House chandeliers are actually icicles is a win-win for America! Using a supertanker's worth of fossil fuel each summer not only makes temperatures drop, it makes stock portfolios rise. Because the most fabulous present any Texan can get come Christmastime is their ExxonMobil's quarterly report!

  • For our colored citizens living in the South looking to cool off, I recommend sitting at a lunch counter in a high-handed manner – or messing with the seating arrangement for a local municipal bus. Nothing cools down an angry minority like a refreshing spritz from a 150 PSI fire hose!

  • Gals, remaining cool when things get sticky is really just a state of mind. Even at times when I've felt unpleasantly warm, I can't tell you the number of times the President has told folks that I am the most frigid woman in the Free World!

  • Finally – and while I can't vouch for this one myself – Bushie tells me that one of his favorite tricks to beat the oppressive Washington DC summers is to play the "opposite game", and just stop drinking altogether for a few days! He says that swearing off all malt liquor, Everclear, mouthwash, and vanilla extracts after a twenty year bender produces REFRESHING delirium tremens that can leave you shivering on a soiled mattress in the White House basement!

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