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THE WHITE HOUSE
  Presidential Prayer Team  

The Presidential Prayer Squad also works as an evangelistic group, forcibly distributing official "Prayer Squad Prayer Cards" (available below) to White House visitors. "We care about Americans," says Department of Faith Chairman, Pastor Deacon Fred, "And it's up to Americans to let other Americans who might have only heard this Good News a few hundred times to let them know again, and the prayer cards are a great way of doing just that."

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George W. Bush


Pastor Deacon Fred


Rev. Jerry Falwell


Jesus


Brother Harry Hardwick


Pat Robertson


Rev. Bob Jones Jr.

President Bush begins each day at the crack of nine o'clock kneeling on the floor of the Oval Office in his Batman flannel feety-pajamas, holding hands with a group of Christian men. They kneel there for an hour (two hours on the Lord's Day or if there are enough doughnuts) just talking to our nation's Commander-of-the-Commander-in-Chief, the Lord Jesus. This is the Presidential Prayer team. Rev. Pat Robertson, Dr. Jerry Falwell, Rev. Bob Jones Jr., Pastor Deacon Fred, Brother Harry Hardwick, President George W. Bush, and the Lord Jesus Christ (who invisibly attends, legs crossed and dangling over the side of the Resolute desk), They comprise the elite force of spiritual warriors that most Americans consider more important and able to inflict more damage than the entire United States Military.

The President, a born-again, spirit-filled, saved-by-the-dripping-blood of Christ Christian, understands the importance of praying while other folks are watching. "It just makes sense to me," he says, "to start each day by taking matters of national security to an invisible man named Jesus who lives on a cloud in a place so darn rich their Department of Transportation has done all their roads in gold. And no matter what Jesus inspires me to say, Jesus always ends up agreeing with it - which, I guess, kind of makes sense now that I think about it." The President is concerned that there are millions of people in the world who picked the wrong God. Presidential prayer team member, Pastor Deacon Fred explains, "The Ten Commandments are proudly displayed in just about every room of this Christian White House. Most folks don't even take the time to read them. If they did, they'd see that the first commandment says that you are not supposed to have any other gods besides the God in the Bible. And I'm sorry, folks . . . but Allah is not the same God!" Pastor Deacon Fred also expresses concern about people who visit the White House with flippant disregard for the second commandment, "Thou shalt not make unto thyself any graven image." It is a well known fact that previous residents of the White House would accept graven images of Buddha from that Llama in Tibet called Dolly, and little idols of saints from Catholic priests and other sodomites. "That's all stopped now," said Pastor Deacon Fred as he used his heavy Bible to flick a piece of 17th century Meiping porcelain depicting someone other than Jesus off its stand to loudly smash onto the marble floor. "We've instructed the President to say simply, 'No thank you, Mr. Foreign Devil' and if an idol is forced on the President by a visiting dignitary, that individual is taken aside and given a crash course on respecting God's little rulebook of Ten Commandments. If the heathen idol-worshipper is from a Red Chinese prison, they will recognize some of the techniques of Christian persuasion we use in the bunker. And the Holy Spirit don't got no patience when it comes to so-called 'diplomatic immunity' when there is soul winning at stake, my friend!"

In recent days, the Presidential prayer team spends mornings engaged in imprecatory prayer. "For the Bible illiterate," notes Dr. Jerry Falwell, "that means 'prayers against folks that rub you the wrong way.' It's true that Jesus instructs us to love our enemies, but that doesn't mean we have to like them. In complete obedience to the Lord Jesus, I can tell you, I love to see my enemies dead. As a Christian, the President knows that Jesus will eventually slaughter them all and burn them in Hell, we're just trying to speed up the process."

The prayer team had a big old belly laugh last week when Jesus answered a prayer in an unexpected way. "We was a prayin' that Jesus would help us find a missing dignitary," recalled President Bush, "when the phone rang. For just a second, I thought it might be Jesus, but then I remembered that He was sittin' right there on my desk and I was using the phone nearest to Him, so it couldn't be Him." The President was surprised that it was a call from Attorney General Ashcroft to tell him that Afghan troops had made a startling discovery in a Tora Bora cave: Dick Cheney.




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