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THE WHITE HOUSE
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DEPARTMENT OF FAITH MISSION STATEMENT

On January 20, 2001, President George W. Bush signed an executive order establishing the United States Department of Faith (DOF). The DOF's mission is to infuse traditional Christian values into American politics and thereby keep in check "compassion," which, when left unmonitored, destabilizes the delicate balance envisioned by Mr. Bush's call for "compassionate conservatism." The DOF has been entrusted with overseeing disbursement of millions of taxpayer dollars to religious charities. In determining which organization(s) shall receive this Treasury money, the DOF does not discriminate against any particular religion, making funds available to both Baptist churches and other churches or organizations that recognize Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.

The DOF will be headed by Mr. Bush's and God's favorite church, Landover Baptist Church, the largest, most powerful assembly of worthwhile people ever to exist. An elite team of Bible-believing pastors and tenured professors of Creation Science at Landover Baptist University for the Saved have formed a True Christian® think-tank that, working with a Republican-majority Supreme Court, has guaranteed that it will - by any means necessary - bring every citizen of the United States of America back under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

The DOF's approach to this mission seamlessly dovetails with other initiatives in this Republican administration by providing assistance based not on need, but, quite the reverse, on preexisting wealth. The richer the charity, the more federal dollars they can expect to receive. As such, the DOF will be using the taxpayers' tithes to the IRS to promote a national program of Trickle Down Salvation, whereby the blood of the Lord Jesus is washed over the wealthiest 10 percent of the country, eventually making its way down to even the lowest, most worthless trash.

The DOF works quietly behind the scenes with President George W. Bush's closest advisers to ensure that opinions tainted by secular liberalism are weeded out before they can seduce our President's agile attention span. George W. Bush is a man of his word. A True Christian® in every sense. He is the first President to allow the Holy Spirit to sit in on high-level policy and cabinet meetings and vote by proxy through Landover Baptist's Pastor Deacon Fred. Since faith is what binds a True Christian® nation, the President relies upon the DOF for consent in all matters. President Bush has held good on his pre-election promise to provide unlimited access to every file, meeting, and phone conversation tape (whether it concerns the placement of the prayer cards and tracts at official White House dinners or the delivery of arms to help Christians who are being persecuted from Houston to Honolulu) so that all decisions will be made by the people who were responsible for getting him elected in the first place - Christian, Real Americans.

Today, we find America a compost heap of Mormons, Mary-worshipping Catholics, trigger-happy Muslims, nancy boys, fermented wine drinkers, murderers, discount store kleptomaniacs, glue-sniffers, colored single-mothers, and so-called "scientists." The DOF has been given both of George W. Bush's four-year terms to take out the trash and bring this once-proud nation back to the rugged cross.

Each month we will provide the public with inside information and little known facts regarding the DOF and our Christ-ordained mission here at George Bush's eight-year vacation home.

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Little-known facts about the First Family's move into the White House:

  • The morning after Jenna Bush spent her first night in Chelsea Clinton's old White House bedroom, a maid discovered that Chelsea had left behind a concealed mattress stash consisting of a Playgirl magazine, a half-used tube of KY personal water-based lubricant, and a pint of Everclear. Mrs. George W. Bush was forced to comfort a traumatized Jenna.

  • A little fat bald man made of gold (secularists call it a Buddha) was found underneath the pillow of former President William Jefferson Clinton's bed. It was taken to the White House Chapel and melted down in the furnace. Landover Baptist blacksmith, Gil Rogerson, fashioned it into two gold crosses, which now hang between Mr. Bush's bed and Mrs. Bush's bed.

  • Many White House staffers refer to their bowel movements as "taking a Hillary."


  • BEHOLD! Quality Books From the Writers of WHITEHOUSE.ORG, Landover Baptist & Betty Bowers: