DEPARTMENT OF FAITH MISSION STATEMENT
On January 20, 2001, President George W. Bush signed an executive order
establishing the United States Department of Faith (DOF). The DOF's mission
is to infuse traditional Christian values into American politics and thereby
keep in check "compassion," which, when left unmonitored, destabilizes
the delicate balance envisioned by Mr. Bush's call for "compassionate conservatism."
The DOF has been entrusted with overseeing disbursement of millions of taxpayer dollars
to religious charities. In determining which organization(s) shall receive this
Treasury money, the DOF does not discriminate against any particular religion, making
funds available to both Baptist churches and other churches or organizations
that recognize Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
The DOF will be headed by Mr. Bush's and God's favorite church, Landover
Baptist Church, the largest, most powerful assembly of worthwhile people
ever to exist. An elite team of Bible-believing pastors and tenured
professors of Creation Science at Landover Baptist University for the Saved
have formed a True Christian® think-tank that, working with a
Republican-majority Supreme Court, has guaranteed that it will - by any
means necessary - bring every citizen of the United States of America back
under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
The DOF's approach to this mission seamlessly dovetails with other
initiatives in this Republican administration by providing assistance based
not on need, but, quite the reverse, on preexisting wealth. The richer the
charity, the more federal dollars they can expect to receive. As such, the
DOF will be using the taxpayers' tithes to the IRS to promote a national
program of Trickle Down Salvation, whereby the blood of the Lord Jesus is
washed over the wealthiest 10 percent of the country, eventually making its
way down to even the lowest, most worthless trash.
The DOF works quietly behind the scenes with President George W. Bush's
closest advisers to ensure that opinions tainted by secular liberalism are
weeded out before they can seduce our President's agile attention span.
George W. Bush is a man of his word. A True Christian® in every sense. He is
the first President to allow the Holy Spirit to sit in on high-level policy
and cabinet meetings and vote by proxy through Landover Baptist's Pastor
Deacon Fred. Since faith is what binds a True Christian® nation, the
President relies upon the DOF for consent in all matters. President Bush has
held good on his pre-election promise to provide unlimited access to every
file, meeting, and phone conversation tape (whether it concerns the placement
of the prayer cards and tracts at official White House dinners or the
delivery of arms to help Christians who are being persecuted from Houston to
Honolulu) so that all decisions will be made by the people who were
responsible for getting him elected in the first place - Christian, Real
Today, we find America a compost heap of Mormons,
Mary-worshipping Catholics, trigger-happy Muslims, nancy boys, fermented
wine drinkers, murderers, discount store kleptomaniacs, glue-sniffers, colored
single-mothers, and so-called "scientists." The DOF has been given both of
George W. Bush's four-year terms to take out the trash and bring this
once-proud nation back to the rugged cross.
Each month we will provide the public with inside information and little
known facts regarding the DOF and our Christ-ordained mission here at George
Bush's eight-year vacation home.