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THE WHITE HOUSE

For Immediate Release - United States Department of Faith - November 10, 2004 - 8:59 A.M. (EST)
ATTENTION CITIZENS LIVING IN GOD'S COUNTRY WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION: A SPECIAL INVITATION FROM THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF FAITH TO BECOME A REAL AMERICAN™

The President Cordially, Yet Strenuously Invites You to Accept the Lord Jesus Christ as Your Personal Savior – Before it is Too Late.

Dear Unsaved Republican Voter:

What exciting times we live in! Today, millions of True Christians™, having splashed voting booths throughout this Godly land with the Blood of the Perfect Lamb, are celebrating God's decision to re-elect our brother-in-Christ, George W. Bush as America's most savedest President ever. Our prayers for a Christ-centered "four more holy wars!" have been answered! And we want you to be part of it!

Yes, for even though you are unsaved (non-Christian), we thank you for your vote! It helped greatly. Did you know that by casting a paranoia-fueled ballot for a Republican commander in chief, you are now automatically 55% Christian (add an extra 15% if you voted against filthy homosexuals falling in love and getting married)? Indeed, it was the Holy Spirit Himself, who dwells in a sprawling palace on a cumulus cloud hovering over Nebraska, who personally directed your grubby white finger to the correct voting machine button! Because He knows you, and He loves you, and He understands that you are now only anywhere from 45% to 30% away from signing over half your life's savings to Him.

That's why today, non-Christian quasi-American friend, it's time to get on board 100% with the winning team! Don't risk ending up in Hell and spending a lifetime doggy paddling in the lake of boiling lava while that bloated ignoramus Michael Moore bobs like a pork crackling buoy of singed, bubbling blubber beside you, spitting out his blasphemous research for all of eternity! It's a horrifying thought, but it just a preview of the frightening, sadistic horrors the Lord Jesus has in mind for you if you don't start showering Him with fawning, effusive flattery before He gets around to smiting you and flinging you into Hell.


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Fortunately, George W. Bush is making it His tippy-top priority to lead 5,000 unsaved almost-Americans to Christ each and every week through January, 2009. That's a mighty big quota – and a great and glorious task! But, just as before our glorious Christian Crusade commenced in Iraq, Mr. Bush said, "I feel a victory coming on! Praise!" Verily, we here at the White House Department of Faith will not rest until each and every one of you gets on bended knee and super-sizes his faith in Jesus! This administration may not be able to protect you from the common flu, but we can at least inoculate from the far more horrifying prospect of eternal anal gang rape by monstrously endowed demons in both Guantanamo Bay and the Hereafter!

President Bush asks only that you memorize and recite the prayer below every time you are in your SUV and come to a red light or get stuck behind one of them Chineses driving their Hyundai 30 miles below the speed limit. In doing so, you will develop a deeper understanding of why God has placed George W. Bush on the planet Earth, and how He is using your President to usher in the second coming of Master, Jesus Christ, who won't let His unconditional love for you get in the way of kicking off His prophesied homicidal rampage with gusto. You will learn the true meaning of the word, "Uniter," and be privy to God's horrifying plan for the liberals! Join us! Pray quickly, repetitively and without allowing the demons of reflective thought to cloud your zeal for your newly saved status as a Real American:

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for not killing me before I had a chance to accept you as my Personal Savior.

I believe that Liberals and Democrats are under the control of Satan and his sneering minions, the educated and the well-traveled.

I do not want to be tossed into the incandescent flames of the sadistic hell you created for those who did not vote for George W. Bush or waiver in their faith by questioning the honesty, competence or syntax of Jesus' anointed.

Please Lord Jesus, I want to become a True RepublicanTM and a Real AmericanTM. I accept you as my Lord and Savior.

I believe You died for my sins and rose on the third day and floated off to your invisible, exquisitely decorated mansion in the Holy Ghost's subdivision in the clouds while an audience of early Republican prophets looked on.

I believe that in voting Republican, I am doing the implacable will of God.

I long to join my brother in Christ, George W. Bush, and every single True ChristianTM who voted for Him.

I understand that all of America's problems began when we allowed ourselves to be seduced by the pinko, pacifistic false version of Jesus found in the New Testament, letting non-Protestant foreign trash into Your divine nation and squandering time we could have been at war trying to make peace with perfectly good enemies, before renewing our hearts and joyously embracing Republican Christianity's new improved, steroid-engorged version of Jesus Christ.

I want to help eliminate the deadly disease of liberalism and assist my President and Your appointed servant on Earth to help rebuild this country into the Glorious Christian Nation it once was on the rocky shores of Puritan New England in the late 1600's.

I gladly tithe my mind and no less than 10% of my paycheck, renouncing the demons of logic and education for they will no longer hold sway in my heart, as I now have both Mr. Bush and Mr. Jesus as my co-redeemers!

Amen!

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