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For Immediate Release - United States Department of Faith - June 30, 2002 - 10:30 A.M. (EST)

Remarks by President Bush at the Prayer Squad Breakfast Buffet

THE PRESIDENT: In the name of Jesus Christ, I say, good morning to you, my dear Prayer Squad brothers. Before we get started here I hope everyone had a chance to try the sausage and possum tail pancakes. Dr. Falwell's wife, Macel baked them all by herself, and I must say they're delicious.

Let's forget the opening prayer today, because we all know how it goes, and frankly - prayer ain't doing anyone much good anymore these days, so Hallelujah and Amen. Now, let's get to the point. We've all discussed this before, and a decision has to be made soon before it's too late. We need to get a green card into the hands of Jesus Christ as quickly as possible before someone mistakes Him for a terrorist and He ends up in a trash dumpster somewhere in Alabama or - God forbid - Mexico.

As we're all aware, an invisible army of liberal Satanists have infiltrated both the Congress and the federal judiciary. They are working night and day to destroy this Christian Nation. Hell-bound atheists, evil democrats, Hollywood Jews, and Sin Francisco homo judges have hatched a plan to ban the Pledge of Allegiance from our schools, the Ten Commandments from our courthouses and every building, public and private, in this great God-fearing nation, and as much as we all can't stand Mary-worshipping, child-molesting Catholics, they even want to remove Virgin-Mary-in-Half-Buried-Bathtub Statuettes from our City Hall lawns. In short, Satan and his cronies are trying to muscle Jesus Christ out of America!
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And so the fate of Jesus Christ falls to us, friends, the Presidential Prayer Squad. We must ensure that our sweet Jesus has unfettered access to any and all corners and crevices of His personal country, America. Sadly, Jesus was born in the Middle East, and as such He is olive-skinned, bearded, and does not use deodorant-but, make no mistake, He is a White man. Brothers, we've confronted him before. We've tried to get him to a cosmetic surgeon. But He refuses. He even refuses to receive skin pigmentation treatment. As a result, He's likely going to have a nasty run-in one of these days with the INS and/or the Department of Homeland Security. Thank God He speaks English, but it's King James English, and if He starts blabbering about the Holy Ghost like some fop at one of them Texas security checkpoints, it's likely our Border Patrol will just throw His ass in the deportation tank with a whole mess of smelly Mexicans. And that's hardly the way we want to be treating the same precious Lord and Savior who spilled His blood so all you Pastors could have a job and access to public funds.

So this morning, We are announcing that Prayer Squad Chairman, Pastor Deacon Fred is finally unveiling the Lord's Green Card. Forged by master Baptist goldsmiths Friends, we're giving Jesus a green card that is worthy of His name!


(Pastor Deacon Fred stands)

PASTOR DEACON FRED: This green card I'm holding right here is hand-embossed with genuine 18 karat gold accents, embedded precious stones and President Bush's own signature.

(Pastor Deacon Fred tilts card to the light)

PASTOR DEACON FRED: It says here, "Thank you, Jesus, for all your hard work." And on the back, "This person is entitled to roam wherever he likes, and get out of jail free." Praise God! When Jesus comes back, nothing will keep him from destroying the Earth and sending all the liberals to burn in Hell. Praise God for His unconditional love!

(Standing ovation)

PASTOR DEACON FRED: With these credentials, our Lord will be free to travel unfettered amongst the American people, and continue His important work of letting everyone know that unless they want demons to use their testicles as ping-pong balls in a hellish eternal Lakeside Fire tournament, they must fall on their knees and worship Him and only Him, and not some moon-loving Mohamallah or bald, fatso chinaman named Mouseytongue, or some fat Buddha in front of a Chinese take-out place. Unfortunately, Jesus could not be with us today in corporeal form to take possession of this fancy card. But praise Daddy God, the Reverend Pat Robertson has been kind enough to offer to dig into in his bag of Pentecostal tricks and try to call up Jesus for a few minutes while I ceremonially bestow the gold green card.

REVEREND ROBERTSON: Shundalah! Shundalah! Muhatma Behgin! Loooofalllayyyy! (coughs) ahem! !

THE PRESIDENT: Sweet Jesus, Pat! I feel His presence! Wait a minute, no I don't. If you can't channel the almighty in English, do us all a favor and just shut the hell up. Go on, sit down! We'll just send the damn thing FedEx. Does anyone know where the hell Jesus is living, these days? Besides in my heart? (Chuckles)


REV. FALWELL (Mouth full of Sausage): George, I can get that card to Jesus. (Burps) I'm headed back to Lynchburg, Virginia this afternoon, and Jesus is attending Liberty University this summer, so I'll see Him.

THE PRESIDENT: Didn't He already graduate, Jerry?

REV FALWELL: Almost. He failed New Testament Survey His first semester, and we had to hold Him back for the summer.


THE PRESIDENT: Well then, you be sure to get this to Him as soon as you get back. Everyone, this concludes my remarks. I'll see most of you all tomorrow - same time, same place. Now can I get another helping of those possum pancakes? And no, this is a non-alcoholic beer.


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