SECRETARY FRED: Friends, I've got an important last-minute tax season announcement to make that's going to turn you all into a room full of pew-jumping, tongue-talking, spittle-shooting Pentecostals before I'm finished. Today, the U.S. Department of Faith is pleased to unveil the first in a series of steps to finalize two of the President's most important pre-election promises: keeping the middle class flush with enough extra pocket change to buy a whole pack of Wrigley's, and preserving the sanctity of America's womb boogers.

(Applause.)

Having been in closed prayer sessions with the President for the last few months, I can assure you that even with all that fun Muslamoid killing he's doing, President Bush still hasn't forgotten that it was us Fundamentalist Christians who got him his job in the first place. And you can bet your King James Bible that every time he mentions the Lord Jesus in a speech, that's him giving us a secret little wink-and-nod combo and saying, "I got yer backs, fellas!"

(Applause.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

Tragically, throughout its entire tax-and-spend history, the Democrat-controlled Internal Revenue Service has foolishly never recognized sticky pea-sized globules of still-undifferentiated cells as full-fledged human beings. Of course, True Christians™ everywhere have denounced this absurdly flawed policy as being the primary obstacle to our righteous plans to make abortion a crime punishable by death.

Now, as you know, to help Jenna get around those persnickety age-to-get-vomiting-drunk laws, the Department of Faith has already mandated a national policy that requires all Americans begin calculating their age from the moment their father praises the Lord by screaming "Oh, God! Oh, God!" (conception), rather than the irrelevant event that occurs nine months later when the byproduct of this religious ecstasy makes its slimy and painful passage through that oozing, hairy hole between its mother's legs.

Well today friends, I am tickled pink to announce that the President has taken True Christian™ logic to its next only-God-understands step by just issuing a last-minute tax reform Executive Order directing the IRS to allow parents to start writing off their pre-born, liquid-breathing tadpole children the same way they do their post-born, air-breathing ones. So even if you don't have a clue if you are walking around with a boy, a girl or something more stillborn than Michael Jackon's last CD, you do know that you are getting something more important than life itself: a GOP tax cut during a recession. The President realizes that womb boogers are just as dependent on their mothers as your average 17 year-old, and as such should get their parents off the hook from contributing to worthless Federal agencies like the NEH, NEA, EPA, and DOT. As the President signed this order into law, he mused aloud, "Hell, why didn't somebody think of this earlier? Going forward, those so-called 'pro-choicers' won't have a homo murderous legal leg to stand on!"

(Applause.)

Of course, in a perfect Christian world, the President would have declared a child as a tax deduction the moment any man's wholesome sperm violently drills its pointy little noggin inside a woman's dirty old egg, but we're not that far yet. We're taking baby steps here, and it's important to remember that as Christians, we are sheep, and as sheep, we have wool, and we need to pull that wool over the eyes of the unsaved world slowly and carefully. Since the President was in a rush to get this Executive Order done under the fog of war, we started off with just the one-week-old fetuses. This is perfectly sensible, and fair & balanced conservative studies indicate that Americans are so eager to find new ways to evade paying their taxes, they'll righteously claim the extra week anyway.

And so, effective immediately, there's no longer any such thing as "fetuses" or "unborn babies." They are called "children," and there's nothing the unsaved trash of the world can do about it.

(Cheers and Applause.)

In closing, I should mention that all persons wishing to list unborned peoples as deductions on their 2002 1040's must include a "Schedule PHWBC" proof-of-human-womb-booger-containment form, which is available for a nominal $175 processing fee exclusively from the major health insurance provider which you've been already been paying for full-priced coverage for no fewer than four calendar years.

(Applause.)

Now, let's all have a toast. (Pastor holds up carafe of wine) Thank you Jesus! To all present here today, The blood of Christ, is shed for you. DRINK!

(Cheers.)

(Crowd toasts and drinks.)

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