SECRETARY FRED: Thank you, my patriotic friends in Christ, and thank you President Bush for that warm introduction. You may be seated. Now friends, I don't want to dilly-dally here, so I'll just get right to the point. Everyone in this room today knows the sole reason that America is so much more blessed than the cesspool of rancid, filthy, non-English-speaking so-called "countries" that make up the rest of this world is that our Government has always supported the Nation of Israel. Sadly, it was often for all the wrong, secular, and liberal-minded reasons.

Fortunately, as a born-again Christian, George W. Bush's policies towards Israel (or as I like to call it, "Jewdistan") are dictated exclusively by his evangelical financial backers. As such, the President is well aware that Jewish people are nothing more than pawns on God's chessboard. Yes, God used to call them the "Chosen People" - but that was before they killed His boy Jesus. These days, the only people God gives a hoot about are folks smart enough to keep a little statue of his Son hanging from the rearview mirror of their Chevy Suburbans.

"One need only pick up a Bible these days to get the latest news stories. The apocalypse is unfolding right before our very eyes, and George W. Bush is making sure that all of the pieces fit neatly into place. You can't stop Bible prophecy from happening, but you can however, hurry it along. I think that our president is doing a terrific job of that." - Pastor Deacon Fred

Now concerning our pretend alliance with modern Jews against the Muslamoids, well I speak for the President and most American Christian leaders when I say that it's certainly much easier to feign love for a race of people who were responsible for killing your Savior when you know how their story is going to end. Indeed, many Jews will no doubt be shocked in the last days to hear Jesus bellow "CHECKMATE!" as He descends upon Jerusalem with his angels to unleash a bloodbath of

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unimaginable ferocity. And it is with this in mind that when Ariel Sharon visits the White House, I call G.W. here aside and remind him to just keep smiling and nodding his head, lest that fat old Jew find out what Jesus really has planned for him. No sir, we don't want any Yids getting suspicious, then reading the New Testament and learning that Jesus promises Christians He will be using the bodies of unsaved trash like Jews as fuel logs to keep the flames in his furnace of eternal hellfire burning hot and bright.

These facts, which are all historically documented in the Holy Bible, have thankfully bled over into White House protocol. The President understands that we are always bound to follow God's commandments, even though sometimes they don't make much sense, like Luke 14:26. As such, we are bound to obey Genesis 12:3, and to bless the unsaved Jews as a race and a nation. In return, we Christians alone will be blessed in this life and be rewarded with eternal bliss in the hereafter.

U.S. Department of Faith - Restoring Our Christian Nation
You know, working with concerned Americans to restore our beloved country to its glorious Christian state is no easy task. As we approach the final days before Christ's return, we at the U.S. Department of Faith ask that all Americans be patient with our efforts to fulfill Bible prophecy on your behalf. As part of a resolution to accommodate the President's many promises to Jesus and his followers, my Department is committed to providing Americans with helpful information regarding our carefully orchestrated plan to usher in the second Coming of Jesus Christ under the current administration.

Bloodshed is Inevitable
Recent concerns over troubles in the Middle East are no cause for alarm here in America. Be vigilant and on guard, but at ease. America's relationship with Israel is solid and firm. It is by this relationship that our current administration bases all international policy. Christian Americans elected President Bush for this very reason. We can assure you that Bible prophecy and attention to Christian matters have always been his top priority. The President wants every American citizen to know that since the nation of Israel was restored in 1948, Christian leaders, elected Republican congressmen, and American diplomats in Israel have been hard at work trying to get 144,000 Jews to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. My staffers and I in the US Department of Faith have assured the President that this policy, which is based in part on Revelation 14:3-4, will usher in the long awaited second coming of Jesus Christ. I told both the President and Vice President personally, "We can expect that once we hit those numbers and Jesus finally returns, there is going to be a great war. We understand from the Bible that the Son of God is pretty much intent on killing off everyone who isn't impressed by his resurrection 2,000 years ago, which means most of America is safe." So if any of you out there are under the impression that the resurrection of Jesus Christ was some kind of a cheap parlor trick, we advise you to get your ass to church as quickly as possible.

Leave the Killing to Jesus
History teaches us what happens to people who get too anxious and try to fulfill the Lord's promises on their own. One need only look at what happened to Adolf Hitler when he tried to play God by stealing Jesus' idea of using furnaces to torture Jews. In Matthew 13:41-42 Jesus promises his followers, "The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; and shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth!" Americans can rest assured that their President believes that Mr. Hitler could possibly be in Hell today for trying to play Jesus and fulfill the Lord's promises on his own. Furthermore, I am not alone among Christian leaders when I state that Hitler was misinterpreting Bible prophecy when it came to the Jews. He was trying to leave only 144,000 Jews alive. He obviously didn't attend Bible Prophecy seminars at a Baptist College. If he did, he would have learned that it's best just to leave the killing part to Jesus and his Daddy. You don't want to mess with the experts, especially when they have an oven the size of Texas.

God Will Spare His Favorite Country (America)
In closing, it is worth noting that President Bush established the United States Department of Faith for many reasons. One reason stands above all others. The DOF is here to boldly acknowledge before all nations that the United States of America is the most powerful and blessed country in the world today ONLY because we've always allowed the Lord Jesus Christ to be directly involved in all of our affairs. Every American knows that Christians founded this country for Christians, and on Christian principles. We remain tolerant toward other religions, until Jesus comes back and sends them all to Hell. But rest assured, we will never elect, nor have a man leading this country who is not directly affiliated with Christianity as a religion. This is our solemn and heartfelt promise to you.

In 2000, for the first time in history, the almost-majority of people in the United States elected their first True Christian® President since Richard Nixon. By True Christian®, I mean one who believes the whole Bible was penned by the literal hand of God. Before George W. Bush makes any decision that will affect you as an American citizen, he closes his eyes, whispers a prayer, and opens the Bible up to whatever page the Holy Spirit points to. Take comfort! Comfort in the knowledge that every domestic and international policy decision that affects you and your loved ones, begins in this manner. We do solemnly pray that through the efforts of this administration, and handy tricks we've picked up from reading the Bible, we will usher in the Second Coming of Christ in your lifetime.

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